In surprising news, the Mad Islander Magazine has been restarted by members of the 10000 Islands, led by Chief Editor and Delegate of the region, Benevolent Thomas.
The single surviving reader of the previous Mad Islander, Ernest Woolsworth, was overjoyed at the news. "I remember reading The Mad Islander back when I was just a boy," Mr. Woolsworth told Mad Islander reporters. "Of course, back in those days I had to ride down to the post office on my donkey at four in the morning to get a copy before my shift in the boot factory. It'd cost me a shiny penny, which was a third of the day’s pay, but by golly it was worth it. In those days, we used to describe things as the best thing before the Mad Islander , you know. Then, of course, some fat cat in the city invented sliced bread. I was sure that was just a craze, those young people and their pieces of bread. Back in my day you were lucky if you had any food, let alone bread. In the famine of '23, my wife Agnes and I were lucky to have a single crumb of bread for supper; we certainly didn't have any of these fancy bread slices. Anyway, where was I? Oh, that's right, my donkey. Though she was a good steed, it would take us two hours to ride down to the post office. I'd walk in and say 'Morning, Mr Gregory, one Mad Islander please.' Of course, we had manners back in those days, not like the uncouth rabble of today. The last time I heard a boy say please was back in 1932 when I ran a hat shop. Little Franklin, I think his name was, looking for a present for his pa. I remember to this very day, I sold him a wonderful plaid cap for a bob and a duck, which was we called 30p in those days. Of course, that was a lot of money at the time, so to pay it off I hired Franklin as a shop assistant. ‘Ethyl,’ I told my third wife, ‘This boy will be well worth the money to keep the store clean.’ Of course, the whole thing turned out to be a big mistake and I regretted the lot of it after the candle incident in 1942. Boy, did I have egg on my face after that! Not that I could have bought an egg back in those days, they were all being bought up by the automobile industry. You know, I was the first person to buy an automobile in my village. I'd drive her through town on a Sunday to get to church and then off through the countryside in the afternoon. "Speedy Ern", the lads at the local dance hall would call me. They were just jealous, of course, and it wasn't long before half the town was driving round in those fancy contraptions. Not my wife of the time, mind you. No way would Gertrude get in an automobile, we had to travel everywhere by locomotive with her. Not that that was a bad thing; you'd get to see all sorts of wonderful views out the windows. This one time, on a trip to the big city, I saw the most marvelous horse. Oh, well, I suppose I've wondered a bit off track, haven't I. All things considered, I am willing go on the record to say that I fully support the hat selling industry in the 10000 Islands and any efforts made by the government to support this powerhouse of an industry."
The Council of Nine was unavailable to comment on the current state of the 10000 Islands hat industry.
Last Edit: Jun 16, 2014 22:26:56 GMT -5 by Ater Nox
I would buy a hat, if that would help. I like hats. Are there any that come with a tin foil lining? That would be a bad thing, as it turns out. The recent revelations that the NSA has been collecting the detailed phone records of Americans since 2001 has a lot us citizens saying that claims of the NSA operating a vast domestic dragnet have been vindicated, but you can't block them with tin foil anymore.
So what is it about tin foil hats? Saying someone is "wearing a tin foil hat" or "is a tin foil hat" means to the unenlightened that they are paranoid or have a belief in conspiracy theories, especially involving government surveillance or paranormal beings.
Originally, the term referred to the practice of wearing headgear consisting of metal foil to block mind-reading.
Julian Huxley, brother of "Brave New World" author Aldous Huxley, coined the concept in his 1927 work "The Tissue-Culture King":
"Well, we had discovered that metal was relatively impervious to the telepathic effect, and had prepared for ourselves a sort of tin pulpit, behind which we could stand while conducting experiments. This, combined with caps of metal foil, enormously reduced the effects on ourselves."
Unfortunately for contemporary tin foil hat wearers, a 2005 study by the Massachusetts Institute of Technology found that the metal hats actually amplify certain radio frequencies instead of blocking them.
From the study:
"It has long been suspected that the government has been using satellites to read and control the minds of certain citizens. The use of aluminum helmets has been a common guerrilla tactic against the government's invasive tactics. Surprisingly, these helmets can in fact help the government spy on citizens by amplifying certain key frequency ranges reserved for government use. The findings led the authors to speculate that the government may in fact have started the helmet craze for this reason."
So I think we need to fund some research here. What kind of hat will block the mind-reading and mind-control attempts of the shadow government? Is the Co9 involved? And I have no doubt Aerso is funding research into this mind reading thing, the way he throws tacos around. You bet he'd like to know what I'm thinking!
So, anyway, where do I go to look at the hat selection?
Last Edit: Jun 21, 2014 6:07:16 GMT -5 by Woonsocket
Regional Reserve Investigates Future Mayor By Ater Nox
The Regional Reserve has announced an investigation into the future Mayor of Taco Island. Although the new mayor has not yet been announced, officials from the Regional Reserve have already begun to go through the tax files that the future mayor will submit.
"The position of Mayor of Taco Island has always been one marred by bribery and corruption" says Regional Reserve spokesperson John from Accounting. "It's time we got one up on the Mayor, so we have begun our investigation early so we can catch any balance sheet discrepancies before they occur. This time I can assure you that the Regional Reserve will not let any phoney taxes or under the table payments slide."
The future Mayor refused to answer our calls to his currently unused office.
Within minutes of being announced as the latest mayor of Taco Island, Aersoldorf was already the subject of a month long Regional Reserve investigation.
Sources report that witnesses have came forth accusing the new Mayor of everything from blackmail to attempting to get discounted drinks at the Taco Island Restaurant and Bar. One Taco Island resident claims that every taco in the Taco Island treasury has been transferred to Mayor Aersoldorf's personal bank account.
Despite this, the Regional Reserve have announced the investigation to be cancelled. John from Accounting, a spokesperson for the Regional Reserve, said "We see no reason to investigate these unfounded claims into bribery and corruption. I can personally vouch that Mayor Aersoldorf would never stoop to such lows as they he is honourable and moral citizen." Unfortunately, John was unable to comment further as he was late for a dinner party the Mayor was hosting for Regional Reserve staff.
In unrelated news, Regional Reserve Chairman Boltor was recently spotted cruising past Taco Island on a new 150 foot yacht. Congratulations on your new purchase Chairman.
Last Edit: Jun 21, 2014 22:41:14 GMT -5 by Ater Nox
After a year of slacking off, citizens of the various nations located in the 10000 Islands have returned to work.
A little over a year ago, all industries in the region disappeared overnight. The cause of this tragedy is still unknown, with theories ranging from a mass alien abduction to an evil demonic bear known as "Proboards" eating them up.
Just as suddenly as they disappeared, businesses in the farming, mining, transportation and factory industries have returned. This miracle has revitalised many local economies, and finally given the many taco millionaires something to spend their immense wealth on.
One nation’s leader, who wished to remain anonymous, was willing to comment on this event. "I am very pleased to hear that the industries lost to us so recently have returned to our great nation." he or she said. "The peasants of CENSORED have sat around enjoying their free time for far too long. The last year has been hard for the CENSORED government coffers, and to return our great nation to its economic powerhouse status I will be doubling the length of the work day. Now those filthy serfs can return to work! Long Live CENSORED! Long Live King (Editor's Note: Or Queen) CENSORED!"
Needless to say, the citizens of this region will be glad to be back at work and earning some tacos.
Last Edit: Aug 12, 2014 22:58:35 GMT -5 by Ater Nox
Citizens of the 10000 Islands awoke today to find many had a new colour assigned to them. The Weakly Leak's investigative journalist Mr. Fox has been assigned to investigate whether this is just a case of someone sprucing up the forum, or whether something more sinister is at work.
At first, citizens were mostly receptive of the idea, with reactions such as "THIS IS REALLY WEIRD". However, suspicious were quickly aroused after a top secret report was leaked by unknown sources inside the 10000 Islands University. Experts in the Colour Red from the 10000 Islands University had prepared a secret report for the Founder of the region informing him that this particular shade of red was none other than 'Communist Red'. This strange link between Grub and Communism is only the tip of the iceberg, as you will now discover.
To continue the iceberg analogy, we must now dive down to the depths of a metaphorical ocean to inspect Grub's very name. The USSR, Karl Marx and Leon Trotsky all share one thing in common: four letter names. Grub's addition to this list is worrying indeed.
Sure, I hear you say, that could simply be a coincidence. However, if for a moment we travel back to 1969 we will find an even deeper, more troubling link. The 20th of July of that very year marked America and Mankind’s greatest achievement with the first person to walk on the moon. Yet in that very year, and every other year on record, the Communist state of the USSR didn't manage to place a single person on the moon. Travelling back to the future, we can exclusively reveal that Grub himself had never once stepped foot on the lunar surface. In fact, this reporter doubts that Grub has even left the planet Earth's atmosphere.
Furthermore, 'Comrade' Grub has led a region for well over ten years which has provided free accommodation to all residents. Not once have citizens been required to work for accommodation, food, healthcare or entertainment. I ask you, does this sound like a region of brave, hardworking capitalists?
It is now clear Grub is hiding a terrible truth behind his animated blue flag and Inoffensive Centrist Democratic government. His implementation of an economy where people can 'work' for tacos and election system where any citizen is 'free' to run and vote are nothing but a cover.
Perhaps most concerning of all is where this all leads. Does Grub have some secret communist vision for the 10000 Islands? Is he a KGB spy planted to uncover top TITO secrets? Only time will tell how these concerning series of events will unfold.
Senator Barry revealed to be Shape Shifting Alien Imposter By Ater Nox
The Council of Nine has recently passed a bill entitled "The XKI Casino Act", authored primarily by Senator of Himes West Barry. The Weekly Leak's head investigative journalist, Mr Fox, has been pulled off his previous assignment in the Bahamas to investigate.
To truly understand the potential impact of this Act, we must look at the Senator behind it. Senator Barry first arrived in the 10000 Islands in the May of 2012. Since then, he has become the most famous butler in all of Taco Island, and has reached the position of head butler in the Mayor's mansion. The Senator's acheivement is one of Taco Island’s greatest mysteries, as Barry the Butler has never once been seen working. In fact, there has never previously been any evidence of him so much as dusting a bookshelf nor serving any meals, the two chief tasks of any butler.
Yet, on a recent trip to the mayor's manor to discuss important issues regarding this highly esteemed magazine, this reporter noticed that his bed had been made whilst he was in a very serious meeting. Fearing his room had been searched by the Mayor's associates or KGB spies, Mr Fox set up a series of cameras in the room. After many hours reviewing the footage, Barry the Butler was caught picking up a dirty sock and placing it in the wash basket.
This strange occurrence was the first sign that Barry had been actually doing work. The fact that Mr Barry has also written an Act for the Co9 which has been passed further shows that he may not be as lazy as he seems. While this behaviour could be innocently explained away by Barry being a poor procrastinator, his article on The Art of Being a Slacker located in the Mad Islander shows he is a master in the art of putting off work. Would a master slacker run for Senate when it goes against his primary skillset of avoiding work, diverting attention or delaying superiors? Surely not.
This strange change in behaviour has a strange connection to a recent incident. A 'meteorite' recently crashed into the northern eastern region of our beloved region. Sharp eyed readers may have noticed the inverted commas around the word meteorite in the previous sentence. This is because we can exclusively reveal that the so called 'meteorite' was actually an alien space craft crashlanding on earth. This of course has been covered up by the officials of the region.
In combination with the strange behaviour enacted by the aforementioned Senator, this reporter has concluded that our beloved Barry has been replaced with a shape shifting alien imposter. If this wasn't evidence enough, the following image has been obtained by the Mad Islander.
Surely such a terrifying image has not reasonable explanation beyond the horrifying truth: We are not alone in the universe. Having confirmed the existence of an extraterritorial menace, the only remaining questions are: when did they replace Barry, what have they done with him, who else have they replaced, and what are their evil plans?
The answer to the first question can be found back in Barry's election run. Would you expect an innocent, human male's campaign thread to include quotes such as "I would see my #1 priority and responsibility as Himes West Senator to be ... blood"? Furthermore, Barry tries to dismiss intense questioning about his strange, almost alien, appearance. His very words were "The looks are a matter of a batch of Botox and a chin implant gone wrong" and "I was going to post a "Before/After" picture of her here. But it's one of those "once seen, can't be unseen" things that I don't want haunting us on my campaign thread for the rest of our lives." Clearly, this shape changing alien monster was concerned that we would notice a slight change in Barry's looks, say the sudden appearance of eyes, and thus tried to distract us with an implausible story about plastic surgery gone wrong. No doubt, our brave friend Barry was taken shortly before the imposter stood for election.
The second question is a much tougher one. Using my extensive skills as an investigative reporter, and an after hour’s visit to the science lab at the local Taco Island High School, it appears the real Barry was liquefied by the alien imposter and then fed to us in the form of delicious drinks. The reason 'Barry' has been so generous serving drinks at any bar he can is because he is trying to dispose of the tasty evidence.
As to who else has been taken, and what this shape shifting menace holds for us, they remain a mystery.
In conclusion, it can be seen that this new XKI Casino is an operation by alien invaders to subdue the brave citizens of the 10000 Islands. Does this mean the Co9 have been brainwashed by extra-terrestrials? Perhaps they have even been replaced by shape shifting aliens. One way or another time will tell what their terrible plans will be, and this reporter for one hopes he will not be around when it happens.