Post by Barry on Jul 3, 2014 6:47:48 GMT -5
For this lecture, I have chosen a subject that is not only of the utmost personal importance to me as a Professional Butler, but very near and dear to my heart as a matter of personal philosophy and self-esteem. I have entitled this presentation:
THE ART OF BEING A SLACKER
To begin, you must know that I am an unabashed, confessed, and totally unrepentant slacker. I am not lazy. Understanding the difference between the two is crucial to taking away anything of benefit from this presentation.
The definition of a slacker is simply “one who habitually avoids work”. On the other hand, to be lazy means to be “unwilling to work or use energy”. In my case, it’s not that I’m unwilling to do anything, it’s just that I prefer to avoid it if all possible. In fact, I’ve got plenty of energy to play video games all day, spam every regional forum in NationStates until banhammered, or spend hours upon hours of watching Doctor Who or Monty Python re-runs until my eyeballs fall out and I drop over from sheer exhaustion. I’m actually not at all lazy.
And don’t be fooled by others (such as your boss/parents/partner) into believing there’s something bad about being a slacker. What’s wrong with it? I mean, it’s not like you’re ‘forgetting’ to go to Church on Sunday, which makes you unavoidably Hellbound. Or, not eating your carrots which – when combined with reading or watching certain adult media content – will result in irrevocable blindness. No, my friends, neither your spiritual nor physical well-being are endangered by profound slackerdism. In fact, it is indeed healthy to conserve your body’s energy in order to adequately pursue the important things in life – again, like video games, spamming, and watching endless hours of TV.
So with that said, I want to provide you with a short, basic list of various general techniques and methods you can employ to assist you on your journey toward a Total Slackerdly Existence – or simply “TSE”, as we experts in the field often refer to it. Each of the approaches noted below may often be used either individually or in combination, depending on the precise situation being confronted. Common sense and a keen awareness of your presenting circumstances should guide your decision as to which method(s) to employ. For example, are you dealing with your Boss? Parents? Significant Other? Are you at home? Work? In a Pub? Turkish prison?...These factors, and more, will help you decide…So without further eloquence, let us begin.
Avoidance Techniques. This is perhaps so obvious that it doesn’t deserve mentioning. Your Mom can’t tell you to clean your room, or your boss demand you to get that Memo on his desk by the end of the day, if you’re not where they are. Just don’t be around where they tend to hang out. For example, if you know that your parents like to chill in the backyard or in the kitchen at a specific time, or your boss visits the water cooler the same time every day, stay away from those places. Just don’t be around when they get in those nasty authoritarian moods of theirs. At the very least, always avoid making eye contact. If you do not look at them, and keep walking or looking away, it psychologically suggests that you’ve got something else pressing to do at the moment, or are thinking about something important. That will make them less likely to want to expend the effort it takes to interrupt you.
Diversionary Tactics. If you cannot avoid being around someone who wants you to actually do something, one of the most effective techniques for avoiding tasks is to divert their attention. This normally entails walking over to them first, before they can even get a word out and saying something like: “Wow! Did you see what Kim Kardashian said about Justin Bieber?”, or “Man, the World Cup games have really been exciting, eh?” Of course, if you really don’t have similar interests to be able to converse with them on the same subjects – like with your clueless parents – just tell them a joke; like “Did you know the North Koreans just landed a man on the Sun? How, you ask? Well, they went at night. Hahaha!” That normally does the trick, allowing you to walk away while they’re holding their sides from laughing so hard….Additionally, what generally always works especially well is to flatter them: “You really look nice today! That’s an extremely attractive (insert clothing article here) you’re wearing today!” That should have them beaming from ear-to-ear in self-adulation, and be sufficient to allow you to slip away to a safe hiding place for several hours.
Delaying Maneuvers. Procrastination is often the key to avoiding work. “l’ll get right on that” is a terrific response that will buy you valuable time. It also can be followed up very effectively the next day or two with: “I’m working on it.” This two-step approach works best when the task you’ve been assigned is one that the boss or your parents might forget about if you put off doing it for a while…. For example, your room rarely needs cleaning right away, unless of course, the socks and undies you previously swept out of sight under your bed are beginning to grow green and/or yellow bacteria cultures. Remember: Your parents really do NOT want to come into your room! Their own primordial memories of the unlivable conditions in which they wallowed themselves in their youth, tend to act as a natural deterrent to their invading the sanctity of your private space. Use that to your advantage!
Look Busy. Never, ever look like you have nothing to do – especially at work. Your boss must never catch you absentmindedly twirling your hair or drumming your fingers while staring at the ceiling. Always be aware of your surroundings and on-guard for any unexpected sneak attack. You should always have a pen and paper in front of you. This will ordinarily be sufficient to give you time to hurriedly start scribbling something down when the boss darts into your presence. When that happens, be sure and pretend that you are so busy that you didn’t even notice him come in! In short, strive to make it look like the boss is interrupting something important that you’re already doing.…A specific and highly effective application of this technique is to walk around with a clipboard. This gives you an air of authority and purpose that others are unlikely to challenge. It not only makes it appear that you are checking out something of major significance, but makes others fear that you could be checking on them. The old “clipboard ruse” is one of my favorites.
Nail Polish. “My nails aren’t dry” is a common work avoidance technique especially effective for gals. If you have a male boss, always wear very bright, shiny nail polish. Men don’t really know whether a girl’s nails are wet or dry if they’re shiny enough. Then when the big bad boss man bothers you for something, simply say you’ve just finished doing your nails - to make yourself look more professional and presentable in the workplace, of course. On the other hand, if your boss is female you should always have nail polish at the ready to slap on as soon as you hear she is on the prowl. Longer drying nail polish is preferred in such instances….Some of you may be surprised to learn that guys can use the nail polish routine as well in many situations. Salesmen or other guys who deal directly with the public at cash registers, for example, can wear nail polish on the pretext of looking “well groomed” to the public. Just make sure that you only use clear nail polish in this situation. Men should ordinarily only dabble with brightly colored nails when they are trying to get fired, or attempting to break off a relationship with a straight female. But then, that’s a lecture topic for another time.
Fake Illness or Backpain. The most oft-used method is developing the sudden sick stomach or headache. For example, at the very mention of washing supper dishes, you quickly turn off the television and grab your stomach. Tell your parents it was something you ate. Maybe too much sugar in the dessert. If your Mom says she didn't use "that much sugar", opt for the follow-up resort: Run to the bathroom and lock the door. Then quickly run a cupful of water, make loud gagging sounds, and then pour the water into the toilet from high enough above it to make loud, splashing noises. This is usually proof enough. It will usually win you substantial time in front of the television, wrapped up in a comfy warm blanket on the couch, watching your favorite program…The same approach is highly effective at work. However, in the workplace you’ll generally want to accompany your manifested malady with an abundant amount of coughing in your boss’ presence. Not only will nobody want to be around you at work, if you play your cards right you might even be sent home for the day.
Fake Heart Attack. This is actually a highly advanced technique that is a corollary to the above described method. It takes some advanced preparation and is best used to avoid major projects such as, for example, completing a major audit report on the Exxon Oil Company – the length of which has the distinct possibility of making Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace look like a short story.. Normally ingesting 13 to 16 cups of coffee before leaving for work should be enough to get your heart rate up to about 150-160 and have you sweating like a sumo wrestler by the time you get to work. Then, at the first sight of a co-worker upon arrival, simply clutch your chest, cry out something like: “Oh no, not my heart!”, and collapse to the floor like wet spaghetti. Just be sure that when the paramedics arrive you constantly roll your eyes and refuse all requests for blood tests on religious grounds….The disadvantage of this approach is that you can probably only use it once on your boss (and never on your parents, who will just laugh). The advantage, however, is that you are guaranteed to be sympathetically left alone at work for about 21-30 days.
Well, that about sums it up. There are additional advanced techniques that I haven’t discussed here because they should only be used by individuals extremely qualified or in a specific position to do so. For example, lying (e.g., “I’ve done it already.”) rarely is successful unless you are highly skilled in slackerdlliness. Beginners are better off with a simple: “Oh, I thought Jim was supposed to be doing that?”. Likewise, suggesting something such as “I’m not good enough (or, qualified) to do that” or “That’s not my job!”, should only be utilized by those firmly secure in their positions, or tenured, upon the risk of getting their butts fired or promotional opportunities severely curtailed.
With that, I thank you for your patience and attention. I’ll not be taking any questions at this time, as I am much too busy doing other important stuff to answer them.