Post by The Mad Surfer on Feb 12, 2019 13:55:31 GMT -5
THE MAD SURFER
The Official Newspaper of the 10000 Islands
"He who is without a newspaper is cut off from his species."
--P. T. BarnumAir temp: incomparable
Water temp: perfect
The Mad Surfer Presses Halted to Add This Article
By Mr Fox
Late last evening The Mad Surfer's printers were stopped in the middle of printing this edition in order to include an additional story.
Mr Fox, whose lucrative contract stipulates he write a minimum number of articles per month, burst into the print room around 3:15am. Reports indicate the investigative journalist had woken up to visit the lavatory when he remembered he was supposed to write an additional article for this month's edition.
"As soon as I remembered, I sprinted down to the Mad Surfer offices." Mr Fox said. "I didn't even have time to change out of my pyjamas."
Witnesses state they saw the reporter madly typing away at his typewriter as he ran down the street.
Bursting into the print room, Mr Fox was reported to announce "Stop the presses!", before completing a sentence about how he ran down a street while using a typewriter. Unverified sources suggest that this was in fact an exaggeration.
As the Head Printer enquired why the printing had been stopped, Mr Fox explained that he had a "breaking story" and that the printer needed to "hold on, so (he) could write down this conversation".
There are no reports on whether this story has actually been included in the current edition of The Mad Surfer, nor whether Editor-in-Chief Jabberwocky was informed of his subordinate's actions. This reporter hopes not, on both counts.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Truth be told, we were advised of Mr. Fox's imminent arrival, and were scurrying to print this issue prior to that moment. However, alas, he arrived early and we were thus compelled to publish it, because he's the Editor's wife's sister's cousin, or something like that, and chronically unemployable due to his scurrilous habits. You see the spot we're in.
MAJOR SCANDAL ROCKS TACO ISLAND!
Our dauntless ace reporter, Sherlock Quixote, inadvertently discovered from an unnamed source that Senior Senator Jabberwocky is actually the biological offspring of our own Mayor of Taco Island. Evidence suggests that the esteemed Ater Nox ignominiously dumped his illegitimate son on the steps of the remote Taco Island Monastery, there to raised by an order of surfing monks (who also make the most amazing craft beers). To the surprise of no one, Ater Nox categorically denied knowing Jabberwocky at all before realizing just what he was accused of. At that point, the Mayor sputtered that he is only marginally aware of Jabberwocky on a professional level, and that they have never been in the same room at the same time. “The kid is not my son!” he said, unwittingly paraphrasing Michael Jackson. Jabber, meanwhile, was raised unaware of the relationship and had always considered himself an orphan, and appeared confused at the press of journalist(s) outside the door to his office; he refused to offer comment. As Mayor Nox continues to deny paternity, our investigative staff will continue to delve further into this controversial issue, with particular focus on the DNA testing taking place even now.
Shock waves still reverberate throughout the business community as rumors of impending disaster came to fruition in XKI. Due to a lengthy period of inactivity, machinations began to replace United Royal Islands as Regional Reserve Chair. Woonsocket had already provided a replacement for the highly regarded URI as Minister of Education in Markanite. Applications are currently being accepted for this extremely prestigious and influential position, which includes a seat on the Council of Nine. This move was precipitated by a dormant RR, which has not issued AMWERP payouts since October. The problem was further compounded by the fact that citizens purchasing Shop Items were finding that those new businesses were not being registered; those unregistered concerns were not paying out. Local business owners who often use those proceeds to buy MORE businesses found themselves suddenly reluctant to do so.But there is light at the end of the fiduciary tunnel. Woonsocket has named Sargon Reman the new Regional Reserve Chair. While this is excellent news for all Islanders, the freshly appointed RRC (who is also Senator of Blue Canaria North in addition to his prestigious post as Deputy Dean of XKI University) has a tremendous backlog of work to catch up on. That is doubtless his reason for the job posting for Deputy Chair. But already those unregistered businesses are receiving notices that paperwork has finally been completed and filed. The RR is anticipating a rush of new business purchases to follow. However, even though business owners rejoiced at the disbursal of JANUARY AMWERP payments, it is debatable whether the RRC will make retroactive payments for the missing months.
Another harbinger of the Phoenix-like rebirth of the RR is the new MAJOR program which could further assist ambitious Islanders in procuring their first million tacos. We are talking about the shiny new Certificates of Deposit now available. They come in two options, with two different rates of return. Citizens are already lining up to get theirs. This is a government agency, so naturally there is a little paperwork, but the easy application can be found here: 10000islands.proboards.com/thread/36760/10ki-certificates-deposit. Also, please see the accompanying short piece by the newest member of our TMS staff, the veteran reporter Mr. Fox.
Yet another positive sign is that mysterious money magnate Mortimer M. Mortimer appears to once again be back in his rather less than tidy office, and a surprise special report has been issued to the clamor of financiers throughout XKI. In this report, he has indicated that, due to a coffee spill in the RR accounting department, resulting in a calculator malfunction, the bank interest rate has increased to 1%. This turned out to be only a temporary windfall, but it spells relief to those who have lost precious tacos in recent months. Be sure to check out the entire story, here: 10000islands.proboards.com/thread/36736/coffee-spill-causes-bank-interest.
In the regular monthly edition of The Mortimer Report, we discover that the local seaweed industry is booming, resulting in a windfall for seaweed farmers. Despite the hard times the stock market has suffered in recent months, including a brief shutdown in December, the overall market is down only 1% this year. You can read all the details here: 10000islands.proboards.com/thread/36741/seaweed-gets-economic-boom-january.
Certificates of Deposit: Right Or Miserable
By Mr Fox
Early last week, the Regional Reserve announced it would be launching a new investment opportunity for members of the 100000 Islands community.
The Certificates of Deposit, or CDs, are touted to "get you rich quicker than you can poke a stick at". But what is a CD, and just how exactly do they work?
To put it simply, a CD is a disk on which digital information can be stored. They were first released in August of 1982, and over the years became a predominate method of data storage. One reads the data by shining a laser through the layer of polycarbonate on the CD, which is then reflected back into a sensor where the data is read. A standard CD can hold 700 megabytes worth of the best data money can buy, or about 200 megabytes of Boltor's source code.
Though many weeks of undercover investigation by hardworking reporters, The Mad Surfer can exclusively reveal that The Regional Reserves latest financial product is not only out of date, but ripping off consumers. The Blu-ray disk, commonly used to store films and video games, is capable of storing up to 300 GB worth of data, or 0.03 Boltors. Not only that, but one blank Blu-ray disk can be purchased for less than 1,935 Rwandan francs.
To suggest the members of the 10000 Islands community should spend thousands of tacos on an inferior product, when instead they could be converting their hard earned wealth to Rwandan francs and purchasing their own disc based storage, is at best a brilliantly marketed scam and at worst a minor oversight. Although they could have clarified this point to us, the Regional Reserve refused to comment to our reporters.*
This reporter for one will be doing the smart thing, and helping support the Rwandan Blu-Ray industry.
*Regional Reserve Chairperson Sargon Reman was not contacted or given any opportunity for comment.
Just as TMS has trumpeted a sunny future for the business world, we have also heralded a new day coming for XKI Casino. Just last month, we reported the latest forecast from then-Senator Siuts, who announced its plans for renovations for end of the year festivities to close out 2018. A face lift was apparent, with construction workers, electricians, carpenters, painters were all seen busy at work. But it all appears to have been smoke and mirrors, aimed at deceiving the audience with false flash and glitz. The grand re-opening was scheduled to commence in time for the holidays, but for many weeks, the Casino has remained once again dark, shuttered, silent. January elections are finished, and the gambling public, fast in the throes of anxious withdrawal, are looking to the newly elected Senator of Himes West, Twobagger, to revive this dormant source of pleasure as well as burgeoning wealth. Twobagger has been laboring mightily to get the Casino up and running again, and we are confident that bells and whistles will be clanging again with the cries of the newly rich serving as a Greek chorus in the background.
As faithful readers know, it is our custom to print fiction or poetry written by XKI citizens or distinguished visitors. In this issue we feature a short piece composed by yet another well known Islander, alemputo.
On angry grounds the windswept field
The wounds that sit there, all but healed
The wings have faltered and broken down
And the witnesses sit with severed frowns
Taken as the smoke has risen
From the bruises and burns I've not forgiven
And even though you follow me
I keep on walking as if I cannot see
The broken figure, its spindled legs
And it continues with it's shadowed gaze
And the dreams I have which you have haunted
Which I have kept and have not flaunted
And sunlit mornings and beauty strickened
With hallowed stomachs and queasily sickened
The feeling in the early shuffle
As the nightmares continue scuffle
And seek the eyes of remembered child
The eyes are black, the empty wild
And though I remember nothing yet,
It is though I'll never forget.
In our ongoing effort to help keep our citizen base informed about the goings on in the greater NS universe, here are the latest resolutions. As always, these are abbreviated encapsulations of the actual text, and we urge all to read these resolutions in their entirety.
GAR #453 – Preventing Groundwater Contamination. Recognizing that nearly all member nations depend on aquifers for the purposes of agriculture, industry, and domestic consumption, and that a risk to the potability or usability of these essential water resources presents a risk to the prosperity and survival of countless inhabitants of member states. Requires member states to plan future land use so that agricultural, industrial, and transportation pollutants will not present any measurable threat to the utility and potability of aquifers, and Mandates the implementation of regulations to protect groundwater resources .GAR #454 – Debtor Voting Rights was subsequently repealed by GAR #455.
GAR #456 – Freedom to Seek Medical Care II - Believing that individuals possess an inalienable right to seek medical care of their own accord and at their own expense, Prohibits member nations from denying or restricting their citizens or permanent residents from traveling to obtain medically necessary healthcare in foreign nations at their own expense, subject to any restrictions.
FLOTSAM AND JETSAMA proposal drafted by Delegate Kuriko to Commend Paffnia for his numerous accomplishments has passed. Congratulations to a most deserving Islander.
The Poet Laureate Competition came to a close February 9. This contest ordinarily attracts wordsmiths from across XKI and this year is no exception. The voting ends Feb. 17, so be sure to read the entries and cast your vote here: 10000islands.proboards.com/thread/36774/voting-poet-laureate-contest-19.
The Monthly Council Report is available to the public. Compiled by none other than our own talkative Editor, the Vizier of Verbosity, Jabberwocky. Citizens may access that report here: 10000islands.proboards.com/thread/36750/monthly-council-report-february-2019.
The 19th Annual House Cup and Shield Competition has ended, hosted this year by the Senator of Lyonesse East, Louisistan. This contests consists of intense recruiting, designed to attract new members to XKI. You can find this year's winners and the truly grand trophies here: 10000islands.proboards.com/thread/36471/14th-house-shield-competition-january.
For the upwardly mobile, there are several job openings in XKI. Paffnia has an opening for the prestigious Regional Reserve Chair. New Ecopia is looking for a Deputy Minister of Immigration. And there are always positions available as Emissary. As usual, there are also open slots on the XKI Welcome Committee. The Department of Labor is also seeking a new Pollster, as well as a new Cartographer General. You can find listings for all job openings here: 10000islands.proboards.com/board/71/10000-islands-job-opportunities. And THE MAD SURFER IS LOOKING FOR WRITERS!!
The effects of the recently passed Transparency Act are already apparent. The public is invited to offer feedback on a motion to Modify Rookie of the Quarter Eligibility, here: 10000islands.proboards.com/thread/36699/public-comment-modify-quarter-eligibility. In addition, Senior Senator Jabberwocky will receive suggestions for that award in his office overlooking the beach at the Co9 Annex. The Senator has also invited comment from the public regarding ways to improve our political party system, here: 10000islands.proboards.com/thread/36694/political-party-summit-thread?page=1&scrollTo=1666189.
You too can have TMS delivered directly to your door or mailbox. Subscribe here: 10000islands.proboards.com/thread/35671/subscription-sign-list.
The Mad Surfer is:
Staff Writers: Mr. Fox, Sherlock QuixoteEditor in Chief: Jabberwocky