The Mad Surfer, March 2019 Mar 10, 2019 16:51:28 GMT -5 Woonsocket, Republic of Tikistan, and 1 more like this
Post by The Mad Surfer on Mar 10, 2019 16:51:28 GMT -5
THE MAD SURFER
The Official Newspaper of the 10000 Islands
A newspaper is a device for making the ignorant more ignorant and the crazy crazier.
--H. L. Mencken
We here at TMS, from our clueless but diligent Editor to our hard working…no, really, we mean that…staff, are proud to announce that we have survived an entire year in our beloved Islands. What began as an experiment has become a keystone in the daily lives of Islanders everywhere…at least, that’s what our publisher says. We would like to thank our readers for their support through good issues and bad. We look forward to serving you for another year.
SENATE ELECTIONSOur headline story concerns elections that affect every aspect of daily life for each and every Islander who walks, or surfs, among us. Senator Jabberwocky, who has been charged with oversight of the political parties since last May, is beside himself with glee to find that this election finds the busiest field of candidates since he took office. This cycle of elections features contests for Lyonesse East, where Senator Louisistan is about to retire; for Himes West, which presents it’s own challenge in that the role and responsibilities of that Senator are about to change dramatically; a special election for Blue Canaria North, which seat is currently vacant; and for Delegate, as Kuriko steps down…sort of.
The race for Delegate got off to a quick start as @withcraftsorcery (TIP) extolled his vision for an expanded global role for XKI with a detailed and convincingly articulate campaign speech, which can be read at length here: 10000islands.proboards.com/thread/36946/delegate-global-vision. Hours later, the former Regional Reserve Chair (now Deputy), United Royal Islands joined the fray. She was recently a member of the former WAPP, now defunct, and is now running as an independent. URI's campaign speech can be enjoyed here: 10000islands.proboards.com/thread/36963/uri-delegate-reflective-stewardship.
In a surprise announcement, outgoing Delegate Kuriko (TIP) declared her candidacy for Himes West, which is currently being revamped. The longtime haven of XKI Casino will soon be devoted to RP, and Kuriko's plan for the new party is extolled here: 10000islands.proboards.com/thread/36953/kuriko-himes-west-rp-revival.
ADDENDUM: After we had actually published this issue, Lower Columbia also announced his candidacy for Delegate. Such is the nature of news.
An even bigger surprise shook XKI to its foundations when TITO Executive Officer Hakketomat (TIP) declared his intent to run for the seat in Blue Canaria North. The contest quickly became interesting as Twobagger (MSPP) has elected to oppose our venerable TITO stalwart.
With Senator Louisistan choosing not to run for Lyonesse East, political pundits were relieved when relative newcomer Triora (TIP) decided to test fate by running for office.
TMS would like to emphasize yet again that it is not only a privilege to vote, but also a responsibility for those who enjoy the benefits these Islands have to offer. Since you've read your philosophers, you are all acquainted with the notion of the social contract, so we won't rehash that here. GET OUT AND VOTE!!
MAYORAL PATERNITY SCANDAL CONTINUES!!
Last month we dutifully reported the surprising news revealed by our hard nosed investigative staff that longtime Mayor of Taco Island was in fact the biological father of Senior Senator Jabberwocky. Our reporters were not satisfied with the evidence at hand, and delved further into the matter. We recovered the DNA records from the Taco Island Courthouse, and discovered astounding results. Ater Nox is in fact related to the surfing Senator, but the relationship is not paternal. As it turns out, the father of Ater Nox, the legendary Pater Nox, was something of a lewd, and licentious libertine of loose morals who scattered his lineage all about the Islands (10,000 and counting); thorough DNA testing has established that Jabberwocky is our Mayor's brother. In fact, who knows just who is related to whom around here? The expression “One big, happy family" could be quite literal. The mayor's mother, Mater Nox, could not be reached for comment. Jabberwocky’s office claimed the Senator was catching some waves; he did not return our calls (which, in the journalistic world always implies guilt).
Pay close attention, Islanders. There is so much movement, both vertical and horizontal, in our government, it has begun to resemble an over caffeinated version of musical chairs. It's difficult to ascertain when the first domino fell to begin a chain reaction with potentially devastating effects. Dauntless reporter Sherlock Quixote pursued the evidence in his typical bulldog fashion to establish a few facts. Last summer, New Minerve was appointed Deputy Senator of Himes West and promptly disappeared. Soon after, New Ecopia was appointed Minister of Immigration, only to pull a vanishing act after providing a sketchy excuse for his absence. Recently, Markanite humiliated Jabberwocky in the race for Senator of New Republica South, only to be appointed Minister of Education. Before that seat was warm, he moved up again to be named Chief Executive as Woonsocket stepped down from a post he had long held. In a surprise move, United Royal Islands retired from her prestigious position as Regional Reserve Chair, which position was soon filled by Sargon Reman , who will also serve as the new Minister of Immigration. Meanwhile, Twobagger has replaced longstanding Senator Siuts , who has become a recluse after a long period of faithful public service. URI, after a short spell of inactivity, has agreed to act as Deputy Chair of the RR. All this activity precedes or is concurrent with the upcoming elections which promise to introduce further change. We here at TMS see this as a positive event, bringing new ideas and fresh perspectives to the process.
At long last, Senator Sargon Reman has the Regional Reserve up and running once again. With the retirement of XKI keystone United Royal Islands , a move loudly lamented by one and all, the RR had fallen dormant. But now we've seen AMWERP payouts for January and February in sudden succession. The business world felt the effects of this immediately as investors immediately began pouring their tacos back into the infrastructure by purchasing shop items, the surest way to accrue stable long term wealth. Our collective hat is off to the hard work by Senator Sargon Reman.
CASINO CRUISES AGAIN
Those who slaver over the acquisition of filthy lucre found additional reason for exuberance as XKI Casino announced that holiday renovation were finally finished, rather a bit past schedule, and doubtless over budget as such things are prone to do. Nevertheless, the doors opened once again to great fanfare. The Casino, already legendary for its munificence, immediately began catching up on missing iterations of XKI Lottery. To the surprise of no one, Aersoldorf won the 100,000 taco jackpot, as he has done so many times in the past. But he was far from the only winner, as many gamblers were seen pulling allnighters in an attempt to make up for lost time, evidently with some success, judging from the uproarious cacophony of the revelers. To further the exhilaration of those swept away by lust for wealth, Sic Bo Sunday is back! Islanders and visiting dignitaries alike are filled with glee.
In order to help our citizens keep abreast of the latest in NS legislation, we offer this brief account.GAR #457 – Defending the Rights of Gender and Sexual Minorities. HOLDING that the sexuality or gender of an individual does not make them inferior or superior to another individual of a differing sexuality or gender, REASONING that individuals of all sexualities and genders should be granted the same civil and political rights, REQUIRES all member nations which allow civil marriages between individuals of a certain sexuality or gender to allow civil marriages between individuals of all sexualities and genders, subject to previously passed extant World Assembly resolutions. Passed 54.3%-45.7%.
GAR #458- Command Responsibility. A resolution to improve world security by boosting police and military budgets. Passed 80.7%-10.3%.
GAR #459 – On Tobacco and Electronic Cigarettes. Understanding the wide recreational usage of tobacco and other products containing nicotine; Recognizing the addictive nature of nicotine; stipulates several provisions regarding the sale and use of tobacco products; please read the text of the resolution.
BEHIND THE NATIONThis column was originally conceived by New Minerve , who has since lamentably left our ranks. That is, however, no reason not to rip off his idea and use it to our own advantage. Herein, we conduct in depth interviews of prominent XKI citizens to find out what really motivates and inspires them. In this manner we hope to acquaint our readers with the real person behind the public face. Our first interviewee is the extremely popular, well, let’s not equivocate, dearly beloved in most circles, Republic of Tikistan . Tiki received us gracefully in her tastefully appointed office, as we interrogated her with a series of piercing, perceptive, penetrating questions.
NM: What country are you from? Bangladesh
NM: What’s the grossest food you ever had to eat to be polite? Onion
NM: Who is favorite musician? Monali Thakur
NM: What afterschool activity did you quit as a kid, and why? I'm south asian person I am not permitted to quit school activity!!
NM: If you could turn the ocean into a liquid other than water, which one would you pick? Chai
NM: What is your favorite conspiracy theory? And do you believe in it? Flat earth. No.
NM: Do you have a favorite author? If you could make them write fan fiction for any TV show which TV show would it be. Rumi. Sorry I dunno tv shows.
NM: If you could ban 1 food from the face of the planet what would you ban? Meat
NM?: If you can pick out your rebirth what's it gonna be. Tall American chick
NM: What will you like most to end in Indian culture. Child marriage
Tiki, thank you so much for this deeply revealing interview.
Woonsocket retires as Chief Executive, sets sights on new position
By Mr Fox
By Mr Fox
Popular chief executive and amateur food blogger Woonsocket has recently announced his retirement from the position of chief executive and amateur food blogger.
"The last few years have involved a lot of sweat and tears." Woonsocket told the Mad Surfer. "It really is hard work maintaining an amateur food blog alongside a busy life. You have to plan what foods you're going to blog about weeks in advance, and you never can quite predict when the local grocery store will run out of that one ingredient you really need."
"It really makes being Chief Executive look like being a non-WA nation."
Woonsocket said he plans on taking upon a new position within the 10000 Islands, mainly lying down in order to sleep for approximately ten years.
Sources close to Woonsocket also suggest he is considering a seated position on the couch, from which he plans to binge daytime television until his brain literally rots.
The Mad Surfer's consulting scientist, Dr Lox, suggested that such a brain rot could occur in as little as one month. "Woonsocket could be a drooling zombie in a matter of weeks, especially if he were exposed to some sort of rare Insane Bovine Illness. I could make that happen if you want, I have a sample in my lab."
Upon further studying the details, the doctor added "You say he's planning on doing nothing but watching daytime television? In that case, I give him until next Tuesday."
We at the Mad Surfer wish Woonsocket an enjoyable retirement, and hope he enjoys the Oprah reruns.
Literacy is at an all time high in XKI; not just those who read it, but those who write it as well. This month we feature the latest winner of the XKI Poet Laureate contest. Composed by 16 time victor Sir Aersoldorf , this poem was one of four submissions in the competition. But our poor prose pales in comparison to the velvet verbiage of the winning entry, to wit:
With the deadline growing closer
And my time thus growing short
I must quash my growing panic
Pen some verses, failure thwart
With Writer's Block that's growing bad,
Muddled mind that's growing blank,
And a Muse that's grown quite silent,
My high hopes are growing dank
I could praise my growing children,
Watch the flowers grow in spring,
I could talk of growing older,
Or the growing joy you bring,
I will leave you with this question,
Since it's time to turn this in,
Did my use of growing grow on you
And maybe grow a grin?
FLOTSAM AND JETSAM
There is a new Award in XKI, in this case The Account of the Quarter Award.
The Regional Reserve has created the award to acknowledge ongoing account activity and as an incentive for future activity and investment. While it is entirely a mystery to us what the actual criterai are for establishing a winner, we would neverthe less like to congratulate the winner, none other than our own Mayor, Ater Nox .
For more than a year, eager Islanders have been lining up to get an Island of their own on our official XKI Map (http://10000islands.proboards.com/board/24/official-map-10000-islands). Your prayers have been answered; we have a new Cartographer General in The Pengu Method , who has already responded to requests a year old. Now you can sell those timeshares!
Why wait for the neighbor's dog to chew up your copy of The Mad Surfer? Subscribe now! 10000islands.proboards.com/thread/35671/subscription-sign-list.
The Mad Surfer is:
Staff: Sherlock Quixote, the mysterious Mr. Fox
Editor in Chief, Head Cook, and Bottlewasher: Jabberwocky