WW42: Life, the Universe and Everything
Apr 8, 2015 18:23:01 GMT -5
Takaram, Aersoldorf, and 2 more like this
Post by Tierra de Madre on Apr 8, 2015 18:23:01 GMT -5
Don’t Panic.
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy is seeking journalists to do field research for the New Revised Edition.
Preference will be given to candidates with experience in Telepsychic Bluffing, Stating The Obvious, Attracting Attention Away From Power, and Caring For White Mice.
Applicants must demonstrate an ability to handle electronic sub-etha signalling devices, be prepared to work in areas of low probability, and have own towel.
Do not apply if you are allergic to not hearing Vogon poetry, have a Genuine People Personality, or are a whale.
Please note that final candidate selection will be made through on-the-job training and peer review. No guarantee of candidate safety is offered, and no recompense will be made to family members, pets, or loved ones of candidates who should unfortunately find themselves deceased, evaporated, or otherwise removed from existence as a result of this training program.
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy is seeking journalists to do field research for the New Revised Edition.
Preference will be given to candidates with experience in Telepsychic Bluffing, Stating The Obvious, Attracting Attention Away From Power, and Caring For White Mice.
Applicants must demonstrate an ability to handle electronic sub-etha signalling devices, be prepared to work in areas of low probability, and have own towel.
Do not apply if you are allergic to not hearing Vogon poetry, have a Genuine People Personality, or are a whale.
Please note that final candidate selection will be made through on-the-job training and peer review. No guarantee of candidate safety is offered, and no recompense will be made to family members, pets, or loved ones of candidates who should unfortunately find themselves deceased, evaporated, or otherwise removed from existence as a result of this training program.
Don’t Panic.
Congratulations, dear applicants! You have successfully signed away a large portion of your rights, your furthermost left kidney (total number of kidneys possesed by your species is irrelevant), and possibly your life. This last depends fractionally upon your actions, and almost entirely upon those of your fellow candidates.
The process of elimination will be long and drawn out, not so much so that we find the best man/woman/creature for the job, but primarily for our own amusement. You will be presented with scenarios ranging from the ridiculous, downright outlandish, and upright incomprehensible. It is recommended that you demonstrate your capabilities for managing each scenario, or more to the point, that you demonstrate your colleagues incapabilities for the same instance.
Although more than one inidividual may make it through to an official appointment, it has come to our attention that a number of our applicants have not, in fact, entered their names for the purposes of attaining a job as a reporter for HGTTG. There are at least two (but probably no more than ten) Sneaks who are instead intending to one-by-one delete each of you from existence, thus rendering us unable to appoint any new journalists. We would appreciate it if you would assist us in weeding out these miscreants. At the end of the day, the group will make a decision as to who is the most dischordant to the overall process of journalism and reporting integrity, inform HGTTG management by way of a terribly confusing voting process, and have this unfortunate member violently removed.
One of you was given a Babel fish as you entered the facility, to assist in staying safe from these sneak-wolves. By your ability to understand any spoken language you are often able to charm the locals, such as Earthlings in a bar, or the resident Dentrassi cooks. This ability gives you much power of persuasion, and you are usually able to convince one of these locals to stand guard over yourself or fellow applicants in the deep depths of night. Of course, no one likes an eavesdropper, so the Dentrassi won't deign to stand guard over the same person more than twice. But then, this is the price you pay for such skills.
Two soberly dressed programmers with briefcases are amongst your lot. They may, of course, be un-soberly dressed for the purposes of maintaining their anonymity. Their particular link with Deep Thought, the second greatest computer in the Universe, will allow them to receive the answer to one question a day. Unfortunately, if two questions are asked simultaneously, Deep Thought will provide the answer to one only, and will not necessarily specify which question is being answered.
We have also empowered one of you with sole possession of the small golden box which contains the Infinite Improbability Drive. This member will have the opportunity to use the drive on two separate occasions, assuming that they don’t first ‘pass away’. We are not sure what using the IID will do.
We immediately lost the paperwork detailing which individuals had these items. The rest of you Hopeful Journalistic Applicants will have to establish this for yourself.
Our first training exercise, out of respect for the fact that your brains are distinctly sluggish, (this comparison holds true to all things, except for slugs), should be simple enough. Though, as some of you will find, there are decisions made in the present that presently see you dead – equally so are decisions made in the present that futurely see you dead. Make good choices.
Your task, dear applicants, is to elect one of your own to hold the final vote, should a tie be in place at the end of a day. Please use this first day to decide which of your companions you most trust to not completely mess up the Universe.
Yours, HGTTG.
Alive:
Campinia - Sneak
Sauron - Sneak
Elite - Sneak
Deceased:
Hahiha / USSR - Hopeful Journalistic Applicant (the ear-splitting agony of death by hearing Vogon poetry)
Ater Nox - Hopeful Journalistic Applicant (the ear-splitting agony of death by tasting Vogon poetry)
Bendariaku - Sneak (The Vacuum of Space did both Boil The Blood and Explode the Entity (Like an Egg in a Microwave))
Louisistan - Soberly Dressed Programmer (guillotined by an airlock door)
Shy Guy - Hopeful Journalistic Applicant (served up to one hundred and nineteen thousand and five hundred badgers as hors d'oeuvres)
Randomain - Babel Fish (the over-expansion of head caused by rapidly growing cranial fish)
@tredania - Hopeful Journalistic Applicant (fourteen rubber knives in the back)
Tanzoria - Hopeful Journalistic Applicant (buried under a heap of typewriters by a frustrated mob of monkeys)
Aersoldorf - Sneak (technically, still living. Attached to Marvin the depressed robot for all eternity)
Takaram - Soberly Dressed Programmer (Crashed headfirst into a window. Shoes fell off. Was not able to be rebooted).
Echolilia - Hopeful Journalistic Applicant (Voted to death with a delightful lack of sympathy)
Barry - Hopeful Journalistic Applicant (Died of either too many thoughts passing through his heads or too many heads passing through the ground)
Ayunli - Hopeful Journalistic Applicant (lazer-fried by trigger happy Enlightened Sensitive Cops who know all about Sensitivity and Everything)
Sheynat - Sneak (Died while in the form of a Surprised Looking Whale as an indirect result of being left behind and a direct result of being suffocated by his own great mass)
Tim Stark - Hopeful Journalistic Applicant (Died while in the form of a Bowl of Petunias from being underhoof of 38 stampeding zebras and simultaneously from the turbulence of a highly disturbed second Universe)
The Candy Lane - Hopeful Journalistic Applicant (Thrown into an alternate Universe shortly before it collapsed)
Lower Columbia - Infinite Improbability Drive (Was murdered in one Universe, and compressed in the second as it collapsed)
Flemingisa - Hopeful Journalistic Applicant (His weak bladder gave opportunity to those who wished to poison his Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster)
Congratulations to the Sneaks!
