The Mad Surfer, October 2018 Edition
Oct 15, 2018 15:57:07 GMT -5
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Post by The Mad Surfer on Oct 15, 2018 15:57:07 GMT -5
THE MAD SURFER
October 2018
“Were it left to me to decide if we should have a government without newspapers,
or newspapers without a government, I should not hesitate a moment to prefer the latter.”
Thomas Jefferson
Thomas Jefferson
The Senate
September heralds not only the advent of autumn, but also another round of Senate elections as well as the biannual Delegate elections. Senate seats were up for New Republica South and Blue Canaria North. Neither contest held any surprises as Jabberwocky and Sargon Reman ran unopposed for NRS and BCN respectively. Incumbent Jabberwocky garnered 32 votes, with four voters declining to vote for him, himself included. The Senator made it clear that he could not vote for himself in an election in which he ran unopposed, considering it a perversion of the elective process. Likewise, Sargon Reman found himself also without a foe, and tallied 34 votes, with four abstentions. As the Senator in charge of political parties, Jabberwocky is adamant that party leaders are remiss in failing to muster the enthusiasm necessary to enter a contestant for elections, and for neglecting to kick some civic butt and get registered voters to the polls; but that ultimately it is his responsibility to goad the party leaders into action.
The Delegacy
Delegate Kuriko did not sit on her assets enjoying her victory, but got right to work. She hit the ground running as she reviewed and posted pertinent WA proposals for discussion and in-house voting, and urging WA members to engage in debate as well as simply voting; making her presence known on our RMB and Discord, visiting TITO troops during update to boost morale on the battlefront. She is a very proactive Delegate who encourages interregional communication.
GOVERNMENTAL CRISIS??
Our TMS staff is not populated by alarmists, however, but rather by ameliorists. It is our considered belief that this setback is of a temporary nature. Already willing citizens are stepping into the void to fill vacant posts. Witness the recent election of Sargon Reman to take the helm of BCN, for example, or the fact that two qualified candidates ran for Delegate. Nature abhors a vacuum, and while we are pragmatists at heart, we have faith, yes, that belief in that which is not seen, that citizens filled with civic spirit will rush to take responsibility. After a lengthy absence, the monthly Emissary Report has been completed; the September Immigration Report was delayed but finally issued, more about which later. The beloved XKI Casino, dark for long weeks of nervous nail-biting by compulsive gamblers, once again shone bright with artificial luminescence and rang with the clanging of bells and alarms as their doors opened again to great cheering by the gathered masses. XKI Lottery and Sic Bo Sunday once again filled the empty vessels awaiting loose lucre and shimmering shekels.
BUSINESS NEWS
In spite of our diligent, even annoyingly persistent insistence in nosing out news, business news is scant this month. Typically reclusive, our local Monarch of Money, the mysteriously missing Malcom M. Mortimer, has failed to publish his monthly report, that very report upon which we base our column. Is this yet another reflection of our shaky infrastructure? After the closing of the First Bank of XKI a couple of months ago, investors are watching closely to see if the market will remain stable, particularly in light of the downturn the market has taken in recent months.
IMMIGRATION REPORT
As tempting as it is to improvise and put data into our own words, we still cannot surpass the articulate erudition of Lethoica, so we instead use an excerpt from his own report, to wit: As normal Escanaba took first place this month winning the Echolilia Full Throttle Award. Escanaba sent over 2500 TG's and got 54 confirmed recruits. He also found 4 random nations this month, winning 20000 more tacos. Keep up your hard work!
In second place wos Sargon Reman with over 500 telegrams and 13 recruits. Thanks for recruiting!
thepeninsular came in third, with over 150 TG's sent and 2 confirmed recruits. Great Job penin!
Last but not least The Candy Lane sent out 25 telegrams and got 1 recruit. Good job!
Now, to the table:
Recruiter TGs Sent Points Confirmed Recruits Success Rate
escanaba 2601 6430 54 2.08%
Sargon 505 1291 13 2.57%
thepeninsular 159 400 2 1.26%
thecandylane 25 71 1 4%
We think these deserving individuals are in line for some praise for their efforts, or at least a raise.
THE WA SCENE
Convention on Freshwater Shortages – For 12864 Against 2161
Encourages member nations to reduce businesses’ excessive use and pollution of fresh water with appropriate legislative action. Obligates member nations to educate the public on the causes and effects of water shortages, proper water usage, and practical methods of water conservation. Prohibits member nations or any businesses contained wherein from disposing hazardous waste into oceanic bodies, international waters, and the public drinking supplyCirculation of WA Law – For 12053 Against 2588
Requires member nations to make available to all their inhabitants the text of World Assembly resolutions. Recommends that member nations encourage all inhabitants to seek an understanding of World Assembly law, especially if it directly affects their lives. Tasks a World Assembly Law Dissemination Service, hereafter referred to as WALDS, with the publication of World Assembly resolutions, and with the timely dissemination of these publications to inhabitants of member states
Prevention of the Execution of Innocents – For 9244, Against 8475
Subject to World Assembly legislation, member nations are permitted to sentence and carry out capital punishment within their jurisdictions. There shall be created a Capital Cases division in the Judicial Committee of the Compliance Commission, here referred to as the Division, staffed with competent jurists and forensic scientists, to review submitted cases. It also provides for procedure for the prosecution and sentencing of capital cases, Prevention of the Execution of Innocents – For 9244, Against 8475
Convention on International Oil Spills – For 12810, Against 4372
Obligates member nations to establish appropriate legislation prohibiting the usage of faulty equipment in maritime oil extraction, create and uphold standards of safety of efficiency, and design oil spill emergency response plans. Urges member nations to reduce their reliance on fossil fuels, and switch to alternate, eco-friendly energy sources including solar, wind, or geothermal energy. It also provides for regulation of the process of extraction operations, including procedure for prevention and cleanup of oil spills.As always, these are important resolutions that affect the daily lives all of citizen nations. This is only a cursory review, and we urge all TMS readers to peruse the full text of each at the leisure of each.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS
October 3 is Islantines Day, the anniversary of naslund and bahamamamma, two nations who first met in XKI and then later married in Real Life.
October 8 is Nation States Day, commemorating the inception of Nation States in 2002, and the founding of [violet].
October 19 is Empire of Power Annexation Day, commemorating the date of the annexation of the invader region that attacked XKI in 2003.
Coming in November, we have Nov. 4, Woonsockens Day, celebrating the anniversary of the marriage of Woonsocket and Wordy; Nov. 5, Ananke
Day, honoring former Delegate and great Islander, Ananke; Nov. 15, Shelter’s Taco Island Day, commemorating the 10000 Islands most popular spam forum, Taco Island.
The Poet Laureate Contest is in full swing. Sharpen quills and fill your inkwells and set to scribing. This time around, the theme is odes. An ode is a poem in a lyrical or epic style addressed to an object or concept. Submit your entries to Paffnia ASAP. Expect some serious competition.
Employment Opportunities, another way of saying Job Openings. With the sudden departure or scaling back of several of our most prominent citizens, The Labor Department finds itself with a number of high profile opportunities for some enterprising young Islander looking to get a leg up. The Senator for Himes West, the inimitable Siuts, is looking to replace the newly CTEd New Minerve , who left his post as Deputy Senator. Dominion of Compassion, the popular Senator for Lyonesse East, also has an opening for Deputy Senator. An anonymous tip declares that he will not be seeking re-election, which provides another up-and-comer with a chance to advance. As usual, there are several opening for Emissary to various regions; interested parties should PM Paffnia, one of the hardest working people in XKI. Perhaps the most prestigious and influential position is that of Deputy Chairman of the Regional Reserve. This critical, vital job has yet to be filled. Please contact United Royal Islands about this post.
THE LITERATI
The prose contributions by Emoticonius the last couple of months has helped boost readership to hitherto unprecedented levels. Our Editor is no fool, at least not all the time, and he knows a trend when he sees one. Consequently, we’re going to go with it again. This time TMS features our Deputy Minister of Education, longtime Emissary, and 103rd TITO Knight, thepeninsular.
Shadow in the Void
by
by
Thepeninsular
(reprinted with permission of author)
-Part 1: Why did I sign up for this?!?
Dean Wessex had always hated loud sounds. Not that he had very sensitive ears, he just liked to not be disturbed. In his childhood, whenever his older brother would turn on his favorite heavy metal remix, Dean would leave the floor and most probably go outside to play. As he grew older, he learned to just tolerate is a good as he could, but he would still often suggest his brother should glue sound-absorbing foam to his room's walls. Which never happened, so Dean was somewhat happy when he went from home to the science academy on Trident. Trident had always been a environmentally stunning, pleasant world. He missed it...
"WESSEX, YOU MAGGOT, STOP DREAMING AND GET OVER HERE!", said the voice that suddenly shattered the cloud of memories he had carefully built up around him. "SIR, YES, SIR!", he yelled back. The voice of his angry drill seargent was accompanied by the general sounds of a Terran spaceship: Computers calculating, iron-tipped boots walking over the titanium-built floors. And one sound he had hoped he would never have to hear.
"All hands on deck, I repeat, all hands on deck. Prepare for battle!", the Captain's voice blared out of one of the nearby loudspeakers. Boom. The ship rumbled as its broadside unleashed a burning hail of fury upon whatever enemy was outside. "Move it, Wessex, the bugs are attacking and you're standin' around here like a damn idiot!", he heard his drill seargent yell right into his ear. God, how he hated that. "Sir, what's going on, Sir?", he asked back. "A bug vessel dropped out of linear travel in front of us, now GET TO YOUR DAMN STATION IN AN INSTANT!" "Sir, YES, Sir!"
----- 25 minutes later, bridge of Terran battleship Light in the Void -----
The captain sat in his captain's chair, watching the disaster unfold in front of him. Of the 5 fighter squadrons not a single one had returned. "Sir, starboard gun battery 5 has been neutralized!", an ensign yelled. "Sir, engines are down!" "Sir, life support systems damaged! Another hit and we are dead in space!" The captain didn't answer. "Sir, what should we do?!?" Finally, he opened his mouth. "Evacuate as many soldiers as possible. The officers and I are going to try and get the ship out of here via linear jump." "Aye, Sir!" Suddenly another voice broke through all others: "Enemy boarding pods incoming!"
----- Unknown time later -----
Dean Wessex lifted his head. The pain that struck through his body notified him that he had been hurt. He noticed he was laying in a corridor. He attempted to scramble to his legs, but fell down directly again. Damn it, he thought, how long have I been out cold?. By the markings on the walls he determined that he was still in the ship. And not somewhere else. He almost felt lucky, until he noticed something else. Blood was dripping down in front of him. However, he soon noticed it was not his.
The soldier had probably been taken by surprise or while fleeing; they apparently had harmed none of the aliens. At least Dean could spot no ominously bug-looking corpse in the corridor amongst what had to be at least an entire squad. "Damnit", he said to himself. "Why the hell did I sign up for this?" It was in that moment that he heard a sound. Not exactly one sound, four sounds, and they made it clear to him that the aliens had not yet left. And the sounds were coming closer.
"f**k, f**k, f**k!", he cursed under his breath as he looked around the corridor. He noticed that one of the soldiers' guns had fallen to the ground just a few feet from him. Desperately scrambling in that direction, he paid close attention to the sounds coming closer, right behind him. Just as he reached the gun, a shadow fell onto him. He spun onto his back, and looked right into the face of a horrifying creature. Its 6 yellow eyes stared back. The four legs, ready to clamp down on the bug's victim, resembled lances more than anything. The scorpion-like tail was already getting ready to deliver the killing blow. Dean managed just in time to overcome his state of shock. He pulled the trigger.
The gun fired. The tail struck. A lifeless alien body crushed down onto Dean. The tail had missed by an inch, but he couldn't move. His breath began to fail. His heart slowed down. The world turned black before his eyes. The alien's blood began flowing from the gunshot wounds in its body. A minute later, nothing more could be seen than a lifeless, blue puddle.
But, as habitual TMS readers know, we also like to include some poetry, because we truly believe that our citizens and readers can use a little culture…or at least cultivation. In this case, the culture is provided by a frequent visitor to XKI, the Ambassador from the Region of Deutschland, Baden-Wuerttemberg, who is a subscriber to TMS. Here is something we inspired her to write for us. We think it’s better than William Carlos Williams.
What is this vapor?
Smells like newsrooms.
Printer's ink fumes!
The trusty valet
for morning café
irons my paper.
Smells like newsrooms.
Printer's ink fumes!
The trusty valet
for morning café
irons my paper.
SPAMMER OF THE MONTH
Due to a widespread lack of interest, this column has been discontinued.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The Mad Surfer
Editor: Jabberwocky
Contributing Writers: Jabberwocky, the peninsular
Advertising Department: Jabberwocky
