The Mad Surfer, April 2019
Apr 10, 2019 15:42:40 GMT -5
Ater Nox, Republic of Tikistan, and 1 more like this
Post by The Mad Surfer on Apr 10, 2019 15:42:40 GMT -5
THE MAD SURFER
The Official Newspaper of the 10000 Islands
April 2019
A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure.
- Arthur Baer
- Arthur Baer
SENATE ELECTIONS
The election for Himes West offered little in the way of excitement other than the fact that it featured outgoing Delegate Kuriko, who found herself running uncontested. In addition, the roles and responsibilities of the seat are much different now, in that it now oversees and develops RP. But a surprise was waiting in the wings in this race, as Kuriko declined the position as soon as she won it. While one member of our staff was heard to mutter “Isn’t that just like a woman,” we officially demur. This has happened is numerous elections in the last year: the person that wins abnegates and moves to a different position upon being declared the victor. The drawback is that it leaves a position open. In this case, Chief Executive Markanite appointed @witchcraftandsorcery, and we have been richly rewarded by the manner in which he has taken the reins to immediately begin RP development.
Likewise, the race for Lyonesse East was no race, but rather a cakewalk, as Triora (TIP) also found himself with no dance partner, which did not prevent him from attending a modest victory soiree.
The vacant seat in Blue Canaria North turned out to be more interesting as longtime TITO XO Hakketomat (TIP) was contested by Twobagger. It came as a surprise to many that Hakke entered the contest, given the lovable vampire's occasionally irascible temperament. What began as a close race turned into a wipeout as Twobagger walked away victorious.
The Delegate's election was the most interesting in recent history. We had the thrill of a three way race as United Royal Islands entered the fray, followed closely by @witchcraftandsorcery. In the closing minutes of eligibility, Lower Columbia decided to make things interesting. More than interesting, perhaps, was the final outcome. While Lower Columbia struggled far in the rear, URI and W&S ended in a dead heat. It was significant that this election demonstrated the highest voter turnout in over a year. After a dramatic runoff election, URI was our new Delegate. TMS would like to commend both parties for an interesting and well run campaign. Senior Senator Jabberwocky was delighted to watch the best voter turnout in many NS years, with 51 voters hitting the polls. We still think that is a dismal showing for a population purportedly politically aware.
BUSINESS NEWS
The market appears to be back on track once again, according to the latest Mortimer Report, an excerpt of which appears here:The most recent 10KI car show has caused a small boost to the Car factory sector.
Mortimer Printout - March 2019
Economic Outlook
Sector: 3 - Regular Economy
Item: Car Factory
Bonus: 250 ₸
Mitigation: N/A
Adjustment: N/A
Stock Market
Average Change: +1,769 ₸
Percent Change: 4% - Stocks are growing
Average Dividend (Base/Dividend): (290/300)
MList Statistics
Mortimer Shop Payments: 6,067,750 ₸
Mortimer Dividend Payments: 488,215 ₸
Mortimer Payment Adjustments: 57,250 ₸
Mortimer Accounts Inactive: -361,275 ₸
Grand Total Mortimer Payment: 6,235,440 ₸
Total Cash Value: 403,554,235 ₸
Total Shop Value: 121,355,000 ₸
Total Stock Value: 56,355,968 ₸
Grand Total Value: 581,265,203 ₸
That's the official word from mysterious money magnate Mortimer M. Mortimer. The constant grumbling from our Editor's office, however, might suggest otherwise, as his personal portfolio has fallen about 40%.
CASINO SCANDAL NEWS
Sometimes, dear reader, no matter how much we dig and delve to discover dirt, we find ourselves flat bereft of any negative news. Try as we might to find fault, our dauntless reporters could only join the cheering throng as the XKI Casino appears to be flourishing, and so, it seems, are its patrons. Business is burgeoning at the Casino as the good times continue to roll. Neighbors complain about the constant flashing of colored lights and clanging of whistles and bells with each winner. People are winning SO MANY TACOS! If ever there were something to ameliorate our Editor's complaints, it is the news that his gambling winnings far outstrip his stock market losses. We, his weary staff, are grateful for his changed demeanor. And, of course, this should once again serve notice to the general public that the Casino is the surest way to abundant wealth to be found in this tropical paradise.
Normal Man accidentally visits Taco Island
by
the Mysterious Mr. Fox
Norman Peterson, age 54 and father of two, recently stumbled upon Taco Island while attempting to google taco recipes.
After a long day of business meetings and managing accounts, Mr Peterson returned to home to find his wife had been held up at her respective job. "I told Norm I'd be a few minutes late, and to just make something simple for dinner." Mrs Peterson said. "There was leftover spaghetti in the freezer."
Mr Peterson, perhaps spurned on by his two children, instead decided to make something a little more exotic. But not too exotic.
Unimpressed with the available selection of cookbooks, Mr Peterson then turned to the internet for help. Upon searching for tacos in google, he then accidentally navigated to the fourth link on the thirty seventh page of the search engine. Somewhat delirious from hunger and a hard day at the office, Mr Peterson began opening Taco Island threads in search of recipes.
Eye witness report Mr Peterson making a bemused face, and scratching his head. After viewing a number of counting threads, and confirming they were not in fact coded recipes for cooking tacos, Mr Peterson then delved deeper. He would soon regret it.
"I simply wanted to make dinner for my family." Mr Peterson said, stumbling dazed and confused from a 'd' thread. "Now I've been inducted into some sort of cult that worships the numbers 3553, might be possessed by an ancient Mesopotamian demon and have to book a doctor's appointment to be tested for something called Tanzbola."
Mr Peterson then attempted to create a thread asking for taco recipes, but locals instead reacted by simply posting the words 'spam' and 'schnitzel' over and over again. The Peterson family has not made a public statement about the Schnitzeled Spam Tacos, but initial reports suggest Mrs Peterson has ordered a pizza delivery.
BEHIND THE NATION
In our previous issue, we were delighted to offer an insightful interview with Republic of Tikistan. Readers have been clamoring for more personal and penetrating interrogations of the more high profile personalities in XKI. This time we are proud to grill our Minister of Education, Tuga Nation's Dragon.NM: What country are you from?
I'm from Portugal, the Tuga part of my username is a short nickname for portuguese people... The Dragon comes from my favorite football club, FC Porto.
NM: What’s the grossest food you ever had to eat to be polite?
A dinner in Hakke's house... I was... I mean, he doesn't know the difference between a cooking pot and a chamber-pot, so... Let's just say I've learned to not to go for a meal in his house by the hard way...
NM: Who is favorite musician?
This one is difficult... I enjoy a large variety of music, make it Dance, Rock, Heavy Metal, British Pop, Modern or 80's... To be fair, I'll give you 5 bands I love: Queen, Metallica, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Green Day and Imagine Dragons.
NM: What afterschool activity did you quit as a kid, and why?
As a kid I played basketball and did some swimming... And I left them just because I got less time to it... Nothing stupid or amazing here, sorry...
NM: If you could turn the ocean into a liquid other than water, which one would you pick?
Do I have to select just one? Or can I select 1 for each ocean? Like, whiskey for pacific, cachaça for atlantic, gin for indian, beer for arctic and wine for antarctic.... Almost everyone would be happy!
NM: What is your favorite conspiracy theory? And do you believe in it?
US never landed on the moon... The theory is well grounded, it shows that people really worked hard on it... if I believe in it? Nope!
NM: Do you have a favorite author? If you could make them write fan fiction for any TV show which TV show would it be.
HG Wells... the man was a visionary, way ahead of his time! What would science fiction be without him?
Well, I am not a great writer, but one show that I would like to see is: The bachelor, featuring Hakketomat... It would be awesome!
NM: If you could ban 1 food from the face of the planet what would you ban?
Easy: spinach! I had to eat spinach soup every single day for over a month when I was a kid due to being whit anemia, and now I hate those green things... Stupid Popeye!!
WA SCENE
The WA was uncharacteristically quiet in March, with not a single resolution passed. It begs the question, just what are these people doing with their time? Are they on strike? On vacation? Frankly, we’re grateful for the respite as it is far easier to speculate than to investigate. But if we can’t try to stir up a little scandal during a quiet month, well, what’s a newspaper to do? We have to look like we’re working when the boss pokes his head in.
THE LITERATI
Once again we return to whet the appetites of those longing for something in a literary vein. Last month we featured Poet Laureate Aersoldorf’s winning entry. His offering was not, however, the only submission of merit. Minister of Immigration Sargon Reman had something to say as well, and we rerprint his work here with his permission:
UNTITLED
Flowering along the way,
More of change, and less bark;
Redeveloping your indelible type.
Seeds embedded in the soil
Neither grow, nor form
Without much toil in the soil
A youngster cultivated,
A parent filled by delight ,
A venture just borne,
Or a hope striding wide,
For every type of strain,
Strides are made each day,
There'll be growing pains with their gains,
All along the way and all for today
FLOTSAM AND JETSAM
Senior Senator Jabberwocky is known to shunned the official trappings of his office in favor of a glistening crescent of a blue wave shimmering in the sun, but one of his favorite aspects of the job is the presentation of the Rookie of the Quarter, awarded to a citizen with noteworthy or remarkable accomplishments during the last three months. For the second quarter of 2019, the winner is nine other than the recent winner of Senate seat, Triora. Congratulations. Triora!
The Department of Labor has posted several job openings perfect for Islanders eager to get ahead. Twobagger is seeking a Deputy Senator. 10000islands.proboards.com/thread/37072/deputy-senator-canaria-north-sought. Delegate United Royal Islands is looking for a Foreign Affairs Secretary. 10000islands.proboards.com/thread/37064/hiring-foreign-affairs-secretary.
Deputy Minister The Tasmanian Islands has named a new Featured Nation for March. Congratulations to @freearthianyap. Since we try to keep up with current events, let us extend felicitations to Jiria as well, the Featured Nation 5/4/19.
Just like us, you often wonder what your legislators are up to. The answers can be found in Senator Jabberwocky’s latest Monthly Council Report: 10000islands.proboards.com/thread/37065/monthly-council-report-april-2019.
The Mad Surfer is looking for highly qualified, motivated, dedicated writers. Barring that, we’ll settle for what we can get. Please notify Jabberwocky to apply.
The Mad Surfer is:
Staff: Sherlock Quixote, the Mysterious Mr. Fox
Editor in Chief/Circulation/Advertising: Jabberwocky
