Post by The Mad Surfer on Aug 6, 2019 15:21:05 GMT -5
THE MAD SURFER
The Official Newspaper of the 10000 Islands
A good newspaper is never nearly good enough but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.
Water temp: excellent
Our lead story today is of the most alarming nature. In a move that shook the entire XKI community to its very core, longtime Mayor of Taco Island, the inimitable Ater Nox, has retired, putting the political scene into turmoil. While it’s true that his post was largely ceremonial, not unlike Britain’s Queen, it is a great comfort, however, to find that his position will be filled by the highly distinguished and well regarded Louisistan, who will step into the breach to fill Ater's size 14s. Thank you, Mr. Nox, for your years of diligent duty. The upshot of this is that Mr. Nox will also be retiring from his post as Awards Czar. He will be replaced by United Royal Islands and Sir Aersoldorf.
There was little in the way of excitement in the latest election cycle, with two of the races featuring but a single candidate. Nevertheless, TMS extends its congratulations to the winner of the seat for Himes West, longtime politico Flemingisa (MSPP); and felicitations to the victor in the non-race for Lyonesse East, Aersoldorf (TIP). We have every confidence in seeing a job well done by these fellas.
The election for Delegate was of more interest, in that Lenlyvit found herself with a valid opponent on Sargon Reman. Kuriko got off to an early lead, which she never relinquished. While Kuriko is a member of the newly formed Circle Party, an impartiality that transcends party affiliation is necessary to be an effective Delegate, and we trust she will fill the bill nicely.
BUSINESS NEWSBusiness in XKI has never been better, due to the recent update rolled out by Old Regional Reserve - CTE. But don't take our word for it; take it from the horse's mouth, to wit:
The Regional Reserve would like to thank all the new account holders and those who bought shop items this month! The E-Mortimer Update has been very successful thanks to everyone who has participated.
We are rolling out our first update - now Mortimer Reports will include individual stock information in addition to the stock market averages so consumers can track their favorite stocks month by month.
To Demonstrate the format we have back collected the information for January - June:
From 01-July-2019 to 31-July-2019
Average Change: -1,522 ₸
Percent Change: -5% - Stocks Decline
Average Dividend (Base/Dividend): (265/255)
XKI (Change (#/%) | Dividend): +683 ₸/7% - Stock is Growing | (150 ₸)
TEX (Change (#/%) | Dividend): -8 ₸/0% - Stock Decline | (65 ₸)
YGG (Change (#/%) | Dividend): -49 ₸/-3% - Stock Decline | (65 ₸)
CAN (Change (#/%) | Dividend): +35 ₸/2% - Stock is Growing | (60 ₸)
RIA (Change (#/%) | Dividend): -45 ₸/-5% - Stock Decline | (45 ₸)
PAC (Change (#/%) | Dividend): -2,000 ₸/-4% - Stock Decline | (300 ₸)
TEP (Change (#/%) | Dividend): -1,470 ₸/-3% - Stock Decline | (310 ₸)
TWP (Change (#/%) | Dividend): -2,656 ₸/-5% - Stock Decline | (310 ₸)
TNP (Change (#/%) | Dividend): -5,604 ₸/-9% - Stock Decline | (340 ₸)
TSP (Change (#/%) | Dividend): -4,151 ₸/-8% - Stock Decline | (300 ₸)
TRR (Change (#/%) | Dividend): -3,027 ₸/-6% - Stock Decline | (290 ₸)
OSI (Change (#/%) | Dividend): -1,138 ₸/-3% - Stock Decline | (295 ₸)
BLD (Change (#/%) | Dividend): -1,589 ₸/-3% - Stock Decline | (310 ₸)
LAZ (Change (#/%) | Dividend): -293 ₸/-1% - Stock Decline | (305 ₸)
This report reflects only the most recent month; the year to date is available here: 10000islands.proboards.com/thread/37403/mortimer-edition?page=1&scrollTo=1694354.
Let it be noted that those who purchased Shop Items under the Rebate Program have already seen their rebate checks, which in turn incites more buying of Shop Items. Business is good!
There is actually very little to report about the XKI Casino. While everyone was excited last month when the Casino resumed operation, activity proved to be a quick spurt by the Lottery as well as Sic Bo Sunday, but once again, eager gamblers find themselves waiting for the doors to open again.
BEHIND THE NATION
Our readers have been anxiously awaiting the next installment of this popular series, in which we get to see the person behind the public face. This month we feature our new Mayor of Taco Island, Louisistan.
TMS: What country are you from?
GermanyTMS: What’s the grossest food you ever had to eat to be polite?
Something involving zucchini and eggplant, no doubt.
TMS: Who is favorite musician?
I'll name three bands here: Nightwish, Epica and Amberian Dawn. That's plenty of musicians.
TMS: What afterschool activity did you quit as a kid, and why?
Track&Field because f**k that shit. Judo because I lost interest.
TMS: If you could turn the ocean into a liquid other than water, which one would you pick?
TMS: What is your favorite conspiracy theory? And do you believe in it?
The NSA is monitoring all your internet communications... Ob wait, that's not a theory anymore, is it?
In that case, my favourite conspiracy theory is that Boltor and Louisistan are really the same person. I very much believe that to be true.
TMS: Do you have a favorite author? If you could make them write fan fiction for any TV show which TV show would it be.
It's either J.K. Rowling or Tom Clancy. I'm not a big fan of fanfic. But why not have Tom Clancy write an episode of Star Trek Deep Space Nine?
TMS: If you could ban 1 food from the face of the planet what would you ban?
Again, eggplants. I mean, come on!
TMS: what is your favorite hobby?
I'm a volunteer for Germany' Federal Agency for Technical Relief, which is a disaster relief program.
Louis, thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule to accommodate our reporter's surf schedule.
@thx1138The corridors of the World Assembly building are always abustle with busy legislators dashing to and fro frantically in their administrative haste. Fortunately, we have our man @thx1138 on the scene to help keep out citizens duly informed.
Returning Delegate Kuriko has made a point of publishing dispatches around new resolutions, and has revitalized WA voting and discussion areas in the forum and Discord.
XKI enjoys a lot of liberty in determining how the Delegate vote is cast, and all WA members, new and old, are encouraged to use the resources now at our disposal.
Prevention of Mutually Assured Destruction (did not pass). In short, an attempt to change minds around the perceived benefits of international military build-up, especially of WMDs, as a deterrent to conflict. Socially conscious as the WA tends to be, there is also a long love affair with the military aspects of NS - not to be trifled with. This resolution’s efforts to curtail proliferation wasn’t well-received.
GAR #467 Affordable Transgender Hormone Therapy. The author of the above had much better support for this follow-up, and it passed with 76% of the vote. The usual flurry of ideological insta-repeals ensued but fell by the wayside. While the resolution does not provide a holistic solution to the difficulties of gender dysphoria, the majority mindset is that even a partial advance in civil rights is better than no advance at all, so this one will likely stand up to any further challenge.
GAR #468 Prohibit Private Prisons. The vote was close, and mostly split along traditional left/right economic lines. The neoliberals took it on the chin, and the Assembly supported the idea of doing away with privately owned, for-profit prisons.
Protecting Personal Privacy (did to pass). This contentious resolution has been around the block a couple times, and local author Marxist Germany did everything possible to see it succeed. Voter fatigue was a likely culprit in a decision that split just on the wrong side of ascension..
Preventing Unjust Warfare (did not pass). This one got a pretty rough ride and was perhaps a bit too esoteric for its own good. The main objection seemed to centre around a rather fluid and arbitrary definition of what is and isn’t ‘just’ in the context of warfare.
Treatment of the Deceased (did not pass). Speaking of rough rides, this one got the jumper cables. Aspiring proposal authors should take note: It’s probably not a good idea to create a dispatch that questions the intelligence and independence of the entire multiverse while your proposal is at vote. When life hands you lemmings, make lemming-ade.
Commend The Rejected Realms (did not pass). Problems with incomplete research and author credibility scuttled this proposal, which is a variation on a theme seen before in the SC. TRR doesn’t get a lot of love to begin with, and a commendation was always going to be a quixotic task for this author.
Commend Auralia (did not pass). The target of this commendation committed one of the WA’s ‘unforgivable sins’ (okay, maybe two) and the multiverse just wasn’t having this.
Condemn Kyrusia (did not pass). It’s usually a good practice to defer to the RPers on IC resolution decisions, and the multiple goat references didn’t seem to land well. 88% against.
This month's featured literary selection was composed by an author who has appeared in our newspaper before,and we are happy to have him back.
Untitled by Alemputo
A mountain range from a distance is fractals,
A map of endless curves of terrain
The sun will set behind them, only to rise again.
Will I see the distance? Will this mean the end?
But as the philosophers a thousand years ago
The end is always a new beginning
Even If I am a desert, a plain, and
A meandering river away
The sun will set behind those mountains
Only to rise again.
So I suppose, as all men have assumed
Upon a star
Upon the glimmering hope a billion miles away
That perhaps in an off chance we will meet
Between the cragged stones of the snow peak
I now leave behind.
Maybe instead of wishing upon the stars
I should have wished upon the pine trees
That whisper in my dreams for my return
Every time the wind blows the purple majesty.
For then the hope of meeting becomes
A goal, an experience, the act of hopeful rest
Instead of eternal slumber.
XKI WANTS YOU!!!
Once upon a time, the population of XKI was in excess of 1200 nations. Recently that number had dwindled to an alarmingly low 980. As a result, Minister of Immigration, Sargon Reman, has kicked off a recruiting drive, and as a result our numbers are slowly but surely swelling. Sargon has recruited, ahem, several new recruiters who are working hard to bring in new members, despite being overworked and grievously underpaid…not to mention being given scant recognition. Furthermore, our Beloved Editor (yes he makes us say things like that) has signed on as a recruiter, so that’s his new passion. He has the unfortunate tendency to confuse his own whim with the desire of the greater populace (a trait he shares with a certain American president), so we’re promoting the need to recruit as a regional emergency…and who’s to say he’s wrong? Now that your fervor has been fanned, you are doubtless itching to become a recruiter, too. Fortunately, there are still positions available. Just contact the Minister, Sargon Reman.
But wait! Once new recruits have arrived on our paradisiacal shores, what's to prevent them from moving on? After all, the wanderlust that afflicts mobs is well documented. Lucky for us, the Ministry of Education hosts the Welcoming Committee, which greets pilgrims fresh off the proverbial boat, to regale them with our fair region's notable attractions. This Committee is headed by Minister The Tasmanian Islands, who also oversees the Buddy Program. Talk about your redundant systems! It's good to have backup.
FLOTSAM AND JETSAMNa Kanaka Isles has been appointed as Deputy Minister of Education by the Minister, The Tasmanian Islands. Congratulation!
Dominion of Compassion has named a Rookie of the Quarter. The recipient of this prestigious distinction, awarded to the Islander who has made notable contributions to the region in the last three month, is The Archipelago Territory. Congratulations, Archie! Our editor was seen polishing his own award, received a year ago.
As usual, the Ministry of Labor has a number of job opportunities for those willing to do a little actual work to earn your daily tacos.
The Mad Surfer is looking for highly qualified, motivated, dedicated writers. But maybe you would like to try your hand at it, too. Please notify Jabberwocky to apply.
You, too, can be one of the lucky few. Have TMS delivered right to your virtual door: 10000islands.proboards.com/thread/36968/mad-surfer-march-2019.
The Mad Surfer is:
Staff Writers: Jabberwocky, THX1138
Editor in Chief/Circulation/Advertising: Jabberwocky