The Mad Surfer, September 2019
Sept 6, 2019 14:34:20 GMT -5
Paffnia, HumanSanity, and 2 more like this
Post by The Mad Surfer on Sept 6, 2019 14:34:20 GMT -5
THE MAD SURFER
The Official Newspaper of the 10000 Islands
September 2019
Newspapers have degenerated. They may now be absolutely relied upon.
Oscar Wilde
Oscar Wilde
Weather: Blue skies
Water temp: blissful
Waves: Breaking!
POLITICS
Senate Elections
September heralds the coming of autumn, which means we have many reasons to celebrate: the harvest, the autumnal equinox, the colorful spectacle of the turning of the leaves in areas populated by deciduous trees, and, of course, another election cycle. This cycle features three races: Blue Canaria North, New Republica South, and a special election for Lyonesse East to fill a vacant seat. Blue Canaria North: the race for BCN got off to an interesting start, as the candidates haven’t been seen in political cirlces, at least not recently. Gaming User (Marxist Germany) declared for TCP inn what we believe is his first election, and HumanSanity took up the challenge. The latter has returned to our fair Islands after a long absence, and has immediately made an impact on XKI. Human Sanity’s candidate statement can be found here: 10000islands.proboards.com/thread/37652/humansanity-blue-canaria-north. As of press date, Marxist Germany had not issued a statement.
New Republica South: No sooner had Markanite announced that candidacies could be announced than incumbent Dominion of Compassion (MSPP) and TITO XO Aschente (TCP) had squared off and launched their respective campaigns. DoC’s candidate statement can be read here: 10000islands.proboards.com/thread/37653/doc-nrs-united-stand.
Lyonesse East: as we went to press, Regional Reserve Chair United Royal Islands had declared her candidacy for TCP.
As has become the custom, Minister of Labor Paffnia posed a series of penetratingly insightful questions for the candidates, of which this is a sample: - Answering either "yes" or "no," with no middle ground, hedging, or caveats, is XKI a democracy? Expecting politicians to answer questions with no hedging or middle ground is a conundrum unto itself, and optimistic (or gullible) at best. To follow the debate, please go here: 10000islands.proboards.com/thread/37654/senate-candidates.
BUSINESS NEWS
Here is an excerpt from the August Mortimer Report:Campgrounds Eclipse Records
After a successful recovery from last month’s Typhoon, and just in time for the first Total Solar Eclipse passing over the islands in “Totality”. Prime viewing locations, and total darkness maxing at 2 minutes 20 seconds over the Klopstock Range, a major draw for tourists and scientists from all over the world. 10000 Islands campgrounds announced that they would be maxed out to capacity as everyone heads out to enjoy this once in a 100 year event over the Islands. Each Islander owning Campground Boat Rental see additional 5000 Tacos per item.
Mortimer Printout - August 2019
Economic Outlook
Sector: 3 - Regular Economy
Item: Campground Boat Rental
Bonus: 5,000 ₸
Mitigation: N/A
Adjustment: N/A
As observed, this is only an excerpt; the report in its entirety can be found here: 10000islands.proboards.com/thread/37556/campgrounds-eclipse-records?page=1&scrollTo=1695630.
CASINO NEWS
The New XKI Casino managed to open its doors for a brief spell, just long enough to catch up on a backlog of Lottery drawings, which was a relief to local gamblers. But as soon as the drawings were finished, the y once again shuttered their windows and closed tight their door. Sic Bo Sunday hasn’t operated since mid-July. We suppose there is some solace in the fact that the Casino is running a Legendary Card Raffle, a boon for those who collect NS Trading Cards. For those in search of adult games, there appears to be little relief in sight.BEHIND THE NATION
The next victim in this overwhelmingly popular column is our very own Minister of Immigration, who has held various prestigious positions in XKI, and, in fact, also serves currently as the Deputy Dean of XKI University, Sargon Reman . Watching SR make the rounds in the Council Building, our readers often ponder what makes this great leader of the community tick. Our intrepid Staff Reporter, Jabberwocky , cornered the MoI one afternoon and put him to the test with this series of penetrating, insightful questions designed to lay bare SR’s soul.TMS: What country are you from?
SR: USA
TMS What’s the grossest food you ever had to eat to be polite?
SR: German Chocolate Cake
TMS: Who is favorite musician?
SR: One Republic which is a band. I don't know their names though lol
TMS: What afterschool activity did you quit as a kid, and why?
SR: .The flute. I'm a crappy musician
TMS: If you could turn the ocean into a liquid other than water, which one would you pick?
SR: Bubly
TMS: What is your favorite conspiracy theory? And do you believe in it?
SR: That Aliens reside in Area 51. No I didn't.
TMS: Do you have a favorite author? If you could make them write fan fiction for any TV show which TV show would it be.
SR: John Grisham. Game of Thrones.
TMS: If you could ban 1 food from the face of the planet what would you ban?
SR: German chocolate cake
TMS: What is your favorite hobby?
SR: My favorite hobby is coin and stamp collecting. Have over 4,000 coins and stamps and the oldest coin that I own is from the 1870s
Than you, Minister, for taking the time from your busy day to educate and elucidate the electorate. True, we found the answers a bit reticent, even terse just shy of being curt, but that is no doubt due to the pressing urgency of your many duties.
********************************************************************************************************************
Paid advertisement
FREE THE DRAGONS!!
DRAGONS HAVE RIGHTS TOO!!!
Paid for by the ProDragon Movement (PDM)
and
The Free the Dragons Coalition (FDC)
Paid advertisement
*******************************************************************************************************************
WA SCENE
Once again, our man-on-the-scene in the World Assembly Building, surreptitiously occupying a janitorial supplies closet to make forays into the corridors, THX1138 has slipped behind the scenes to get the latest scoop.I would be remiss if I failed to begin this month’s feature with renewed encouragement to engage in the discussion and voting threads around each WA proposal.
WA membership, and your participation, gives voice to your nation and enriches the regional debate. Your endorsement of Delegate Kuriko gives voice to the region and enriches our influence in the World Assembly.
Just four resolutions to review this round, but all remarkable in their way. On a personal note, I managed to be on the wrong side of two of these votes, so I may indulge in a bit of bitter editorialization while muttering under my breath about the tyranny of the majority…but I digress.
General Assembly
GAR #469 Reducing Food Waste. My first black eye came in the form of this overwhelmingly popular effort to purge the WA landscape of wasteful practices in the growing, transport, handling, and preparation of food products. 85% of voters supported this resolution, and it is now the law of the land. (Yes, I voted against it. I’m a monster. Let’s move on.)
Security Council
SCR #285 Condemn The New Inquisition. When this condemnation was originally drafted and submitted in 2015, it failed to pass. While this incarnation’s text was almost identical, the gamescape has changed quite a bit in the intervening years. Nefarious behaviour that was once considered a reasonable aspect of play is now less likely to go unchecked. Although the target region is as good as dead, a healthy majority of voters felt it time to condemn the previous involvement in coups, support of tyrants, and alignment with raider organizations.
SCR #286 Condemn North East Somerset. There was a strong sense in XKI that this was, in fact, a commendation in disguise – a condemnation as reward to a bad guy for playing well the bad guy role. Most in XKI were against it for that reason. Whether it was a genuine condemnation or not, this resolution passed with 83% support. The good news is, twenty years from now, when most current nations have gone the way of the dodo, and a new generation of players rule, whatever was the true rationale will have vanished down the memory hole. What will be left is an accurate, historic recording of the target’s dirty deeds, without asterisk, and all will be right in the world.
SCR #287 Condemn Koem Kab. I must admit I didn’t get this one at first. Artworks? Dossiers? Hoarding? What?... Thanks to TwoBagger for providing the Rosetta Stone. There are specific rules against metagaming and attempting to legislate around game mechanics in resolutions. Given that this dealt with one nation’s grotesquely bloated collection of NS trading cards, which are firmly in the realm of ‘game mechanics’, the author had to skirt the rules by implementing a lot of codified language. The rule was broken/not broken, sorry/not sorry. Much support was given to this condemnation and it passed with wide support, much of it inspired by the novelty of the writing approach. I went the other way – my second black eye – but for what I consider a few valid reasons: (1) The rule is there for a reason and using ninja-lawyer-voodoo-jargon to usurp the rule undermines the rule. I’ve had beef with the WA over this sort of thing before. (2) It left me with too many nagging questions. The cards are collectables, so why is a player being condemned for collecting them? The things cited in the condemnation are being practiced by collectors throughout the multiverse, the target just happens to be very efficient at it. Why single out one and not condemn all? Isn’t this condemnation just retribution against a card-rich player for not sharing their toys? Despite the rush to judgement, I’m still having trouble seeing the crime. Perhaps it’s all the swelling and bruising around my eyes.
LITERATI
In our ongoing effort to cultivate the minds of our readers, whether they want it or not (no, children, not brainwashing, but rather education), we offer here some short pieces by TITO Knight Echolilia , thus reinforcing the trope of Soldier/poet.Is the bite
of a
rabid
puppy
better
cuter somehow
than that
of a
rabid dog?
Or is it
even
worse?
In the fireplace of the night
Watch its legs crisp up in smoke
No more spiders now I hope
Roses are red
Violets are violet, duh
What were you thinking?
We hope our readers enjoy those brief works, brevity being the soul of wit and all. These kind of remind us of William Carlos Williams, of whom our Editor was rather fond in his youth. Thank you, Echo!
It's encouraging to discover that these Islands have poets crawling out of the woodwork, witness this
concise bit of poesy from Neutrality United .
And blame not the hand,
from which it was thrown.
The bird should have known,
The study's of the land,
Have undisputedly shown.
Our life is on loan,
Chaos may understand,
Let us not bemoan.
In a light-hearted tone,
Start up the band,
No need to drone!
But the stone hit its head,
And it bled and it bled.
And none of the excuses you said,
Made it any less dead.
FEATURED NATION
Minister of Education The Tasmanian Islands has appointed a Featured Nation for August, this time the Regionally active THX1138 . The Medicine Cabinet of THX1138 is a gargantuan, genial nation, ruled by bowloftoast with a fair hand, and notable for its state-planned economy, unlimited-speed roads, anddevotion to social welfare. The compassionate, democratic, cheerful population of 14.589 billion THX1138sters hold their civil and political rights very dear, although the wealthy andthose in business tend to be viewed with suspicion.
The medium-sized government juggles the competing demands of Environment, Education, and Administration. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of JoeStrummer. The average income tax rate is 95.1%. Of course, there's a lot more to this story in the Minister’s presentation,found here: 10000islands.proboards.com/thread/37611/10000-islands-featured-nation-thx1138.
RECRUITING
XKI WANTS YOU!!!Minister Sargon Reman has overhauled to Immigration Department, fusing the Buddy Program with the Welcome Committee, splicing their genes to create a new hybrid.
Our Editor is still going on and on about his new passion: recruiting. Well, he has a point. Without Recruiters we can watch our population steadily dwindle. Even with their efforts, it’s difficult enough to keep nations around, despite the best efforts of our diligent Welcoming Committee and their Buddy counterparts. To illustrate, we present Minister Sargon Reman ’s August Immigration Report:
Recruiter TGs Sent Points Confirmed Recruits Success Rate Base Pay Conf. Rec. Bonus Bonus Total
escanaba 7221 17945 167 2.31% 144420 8350 5000 157770
Jabberwocky 3201 8109 33 1.03% 64020 1650 3000 68670
ThePREZofVedrea 658 1624 10 1.52% 13160 500 0 13660
THX1138 379 992 3 0.79% 7580 150 0 7730
louisistan 213 543 2 0.94% 4260 100 0 4360
humansanity 141 346 0 0% 2820 0 0 2820
Shy Guy 107 270 2 1.87% 2140 100 0 2240
ammotangandia 72 166 1 1.39% 1440 50 0 1490
Sargon 10 23 1 10% 200 50 0 250
Marxist Germany 1 1 0 0% 20 0 0 20
FLOTSAM AND JETSAM
October 1 will soon be upon us, and XKIs eager populace anticipates another Poet Laureate Contest. Sir Aersoldorf has won the lion’s share of Contests in the past, but we are confident that our highly creative Island writers will be thronging to offer him some competition. We hope you too will enter the fray and try your verbal jousting skills.
While we were all sorry to see the departure of Pengu on the Fritz as Cartographer General, especially after seeing such sensational results during his tenure, we are happy to announce that the open position has been filled, by none other than Paffnia , who already does far more than his share in these Islands.
EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITES
As usual, the Ministry of Labor has a number of job opportunities for those willing to do a little actual work to earn your daily tacos.
10000islands.proboards.com/thread/37228/hiring-buddies.
10000islands.proboards.com/thread/37610/emissaries-needed
The Mad Surfer is looking for highly qualified, motivated, dedicated writers. But maybe you would like to try your hand at it, too. Please notify Jabberwocky to apply.
You, too, can be one of the lucky few. Have TMS delivered right to your virtual door: 10000islands.proboards.com/thread/36968/mad-surfer-march-2019.
The Mad Surfer is:
Staff Writers: Jabberwocky, THX1138
Editor in Chief/Circulation/Advertising: Jabberwocky
