The Mad Surfer, March 2021
Mar 12, 2021 17:02:43 GMT -5
Taco Island Charities, Kohnhead, and 3 more like this
Post by The Mad Surfer on Mar 12, 2021 17:02:43 GMT -5
THE MAD SURFER
The Official Newspaper of the 10000 Islands
March 2021
“I became a journalist because I did not want to rely on newspapers for information.”
― Christopher Hitchens
Weather: Excellent
Water temp: perfect!
Waves: sharp break
POLITICS
The Election Board opened early, and a crowd had formed before the roosters crowed. The seat for Himes West was left open as Wille-Harlia declined to seek reelection. Zaberaz Hapang has offered to fill that vacancy. While Big Z ran uncontested, a surprising 18% refrained from voting for them.
Lyonesse East – Incumbent Thedairos decided not to run again. Porflox (TCP) was quick to enter the fray, and was not left lonely as Kohnhead declared for WIP. This race was no forgone conclusion, but Kohnhead etched out a slight lead.
The big news, however, is in the race for Delegate. There's no word on the street on whether incumbent HumanSanity will run. The current Senator for Blue Canaria North, Wischland (TIP), has declared her candidacy. It is worth noting that she is also a prominent writer for TMS. It's known that she has worked closely with HS on FA affairs.Her Declaration can be found here: 10000islands.proboards.com/thread/41041/wischland-delegate-wisching-best, wherein Ms. W delineates her approach to Foreign Affairs and her plan for her term.
It is perhaps no surprise that the scandal in this election is provided by none other than that denizen of the night, Hakketomat (TIP). To everyone's horror and consternation, our local vampire is running on a Raider platform. Don't take our word for it, despite the fact that our word is legendarily reliable. Here is a quote from Mr. H: I have the greatest ideas for XKI! Ideas so crazy they might just work! We're going to be raiders! Yes, you heard that right. We're gonna drop our defender practices because they are lame and out of fashion. Instead, we're gonna have so much fun taking things that don't belong to us. See those guys in that region over there? They have a nice community. Would be a shame if someone other than us destroyed it. Be sure to read his entire Declaration here: 10000islands.proboards.com/thread/41039/hakketomat-delegate-raider. Hakke's evident defection is all the more stupefying in light of the facts that XKI is a legendary defender region, and he is himself a defender of legendary repute. For the record, TMS does not believe Hakke is a raider. This is rather a publicity stunt.
It was easy to predict Ms.W would handily win this. What shocks us is that an apparent raider garnered nearly 22% of the vote. We wonder what that suggests for our ideological future.
Government Officials of 10000 Islands
The Council of Nine
Chief Executive: Markanite
Delegate: HumanSanity
Minister of Labor: Free Las Pinas
Minister of Immigration: Thedairos
Minister of Education: Free Las Pinas
Senior Senator for Himes West: Wille-Harlia
Senator for New Republica South: @dokansia
Senator for Lyonnesse East: Thedairos
Senator for Blue Canaria North: Wischland
-- Deputy Minister of Education: Kohnhead
--Deputy Senator for Himes West: Central Ruska, Margaux
Other public officials can be found here: 10000islands.proboards.com/thread/5756/government-officials-10000-islands?page=5&scrollTo=1798831.
THE MAYOR OF TACO ISLAND
As everybody who's anybody knows, Louisistan retired from his post as Mayor, completing his tenure as one of the most highly regarded of that breed in local history. But nature abhors a vacuum, and the void was soon filled by longtime XKI resident Tanzoria, best known for his research into the dreaded and deadly Tanzbola virus. Join us in congratulating Mr. T on his exciting new job in the high tower of the Mayor's extravagant mansion.
BUSINESS NEWS
Can't you smell that smell? That's right, spring has sprung, and there's barbecue in the air. We love us some grilled veggies, but there's more tacos in beef this month. If you think that's a load of big bull, wait until you read this from The Regional Reserve.:
Well, life in the Islands has settled down a bit from the exciting events of the last several months. Farms are gearing back up for people to gather and do one of their favorite activities, barbecuing. Whether it's spring in the Northern Hemisphere, or fall in the Southern Hemisphere, changes are on the horizon. And as people start feeling better about things, they like to get together for convivial gatherings. Or as many call it, to party!
As a result, Cattle Farms have seen an uptick in orders, and have posted a 2,500 taco bonus this month! Have a hamburger!
Mortimer Report: March 2021
Monthly Economic Effects
Sector: Regular Economy
Item: Cattle Farm
Bonus: 2,500 Ŧ
Item that Mitigates Losses: N/A
Mitigation: N/A
Stock Market
Month: from February 1, 2021 to February 28, 2021
Average Change in Stock Price: -161 Ŧ (-0.4%)—stocks prices are in decline
Average Dividend: 291 Ŧ
Individual stock performances can be found here: 10000islands.proboards.com/thread/41032/hamburger-march-starts-barbecue-season?page=1&scrollTo=1817015.
BEHIND THE NATION
Alert XKI citizens already know @dokansia as a recently elected Senator of New Republica South, but their other job duties include Emissary, Deputy WA Secretary. Big D is also a TITO Knight. But here's your chance to get the real inside scoop on this busy Islander.
TMS: What country are you from?
D: I am from the Great Southern Land, also known as Australia.
TMS: What’s the grossest food you ever had to eat to be polite?
D: Most likely raw eggs. Me and my family were taken by some old friends to a Japanese restaurant while on holiday and during one of the meals a side of raw egg was served. To be as polite as possible I choked it down with a smile on my face, though the experience may have contributed to my current distaste for eggs of any kind. The kick in the end is that no-one cared when my sister refused to eat hers.
TMS: Who is your favorite musician?
D: I'd say my favourite musician would probably be Parov Stelar. I have listened to his electro-swing tracks ever since I was a little nipper, and he is the reason I got into the genre in the first place. Whenever I need to get work done, his songs are the ones that are guaranteed to be played first as background music.
TMS: What afterschool activity did you quit as a kid, and why?
D: I used to play and practice guitar when I was much younger. However, after breaking the schedule I had for it multiple times, I realized that I didn't enjoy it as much as I originally did. Instead, my attention and energy was transferred to another activity that I enjoy much more, soccer. Eventually due to time constraints I was forced to choose between the two, and soccer it was.
TMS: If you could turn the ocean into a liquid other than water, which one would you pick?
D: Grape Juice, probably. Tastes good and I know a few mates who would attempt to chug it for 5 bucks.
TMS: What is your favorite conspiracy theory? And do you believe in it?
D: I’d say my favourite theory would be the infamous Harold Holt disappearance theory. When the Australian Prime Minister disappeared in 1967 while going for a swim, a wild theory circulated that he was somehow picked up by a Chinese submarine that was waiting for him. Naturally, I don’t believe in this ridiculous speculation, but the fact that there are a group of people that does makes me chuckle from time to time.
TMS: Do you have a favorite author? If you could make them write for any TV show which TV show would it be?
D: My favourite writer would be the crime thriller novelist Jo Nesbo. His books reel you in and keep you there, with a mixture of brutal descriptions and a variety of cool plot twists. I would have him write for the show Law and Order, as his style of storytelling could enhance the drama’s impactfulness twofold.
TMS: If you could ban 1 food from the face of the planet what would you ban?
D: Now, if you had asked me this question a while back I would have said eggs, but I have matured since then and recognise they’re actually really good for you and it wouldn’t be fair for the massive group of people that do. Instead, I choose black liquorice candy. It’s barely sweet, not good for you, and too bloody sticky for my liking.
TMS: What is your favorite hobby?
D: Favourite Hobby would have to be soccer. I picked it up when I was 5 and eventually dropped guitar for it so I could play it as much as possible. I have always enjoyed running and team games, so this was the perfect fit. I play centre back or right back during games and last full season the team I played for made it to the finals although we were unfortunately defeated by a better club. The 2020 season was extremely disappointing, with only 3 games being played during the season before COVID shut everything down.
TMS: Who is your favorite comic book character?
D: As generic as it is, it has to be Batman. The almost unstoppable force has taken on Gothams worst and still refused to kill them. He’s a constant personification of order and justice, and for some reason I find that beyond badass. He is the Batman, and you’d better remember that.
TMS: What vice could you never give up?
D: Definitely Binge watching creepy Youtube videos a few hours before bed. Youtube is more than happy to supply me with content for my addiction, especially towards the later hours. I think that it’s a good idea at the time only later to feel intense regret and self loathing while staring at the ceiling for 20 minutes. When day breaks, for some reason I don’t learn my lesson and the cycle begins again.
TMS: If you could be any animal, what animal would you be?
D: A lobster, and as to why I shall quote a film titled well, The Lobster:
“Because lobsters live for over one hundred years, are blue-blooded like aristocrats, and stay fertile all their lives. I also like the sea very much.”
TMS: What will be the title of your autobiography?
D:Stumbling around success, an idiots autobiography”
While we consider it something of a sacrilege to stop playing guitar, we nonetheless appreciate the interview.
WA SCENE
Despite being busy with official duties as well as trying to become our next Delegate,Wischland still managed to put together a column for us.
Following a slow start to the year, the WA kicked into high gear this February. No longer were the halls devoid of life. Everything was abuzz with new drafts, loaded queues, and controversial votes. Fun fact about me: I love when things are active and nothing gets me working like political hubbub around me! Which is why I was so glad to…not be there. Unfortunately, I was out of my broom closet office in the WA for most of the month as I attended to matters in XKI. But with the deadline looming (and many thanks to Jabber for all his patience with me) I hustled back over to the hallowed halls of the World Assembly to deal with my backlog of work. I may have scared off my office-mates with how quickly I was running about to get everything in order and by the egregious amount of caffeine I was consuming, but that’s just more office space for me! Now without further ado, may I present a look at February’s WA resolutions:
GAR#536 “Repeal: ‘Freedom of Assembly’”: Kicking off the month was a repeal of one of NS’s oldest resolutions. Author Wymondham pointed out various loopholes in the original proposal that inhibit the execution of justice and allow for the harm of members of the public. Given the importance of protecting such a fundamental right as the freedom of assembly through GA legislation, many nations were hesitant to support this repeal. Though their fears were somewhat assuaged by a promising replacement, a fair share of nations felt the original resolution was just fine. After a minor illegality hiccup due to some iffy wording in one clause, the repeal reached vote and passed with 58% support.
SCR#341: “Commend King HEM”: On the surface, this seems like a well-deserved commendation of a nation who has helped build several important regions across NS. Now, I don’t mean to deny that King HEM did significant work in these regions, but I really can’t be enthused about the commendation of Europeia’s founder. For those not in the know with R/D gameplay, Europeia is technically independent, but de facto raider with no respect for regional sovereignty. Given the commendations praise of HEM’s work in building up the ERN, as well as it’s references to HEM’s work in TSP, despite TSP’s explicit request to remove those parts, I’m not too pleased with this commend. Unfortunately, most of NS did not feel the same way and the resolution passed with 76% support.
GA “Repeal: ‘Death Penalty Ban’” (Did not pass): If you read last month’s edition, you’ll surely recall the plethora of civil rights proposals regarding the death penalty that made it to vote. It seems the WA isn’t quite done with death penalty arguments however, as author Dalmyria cooked up this repeal. And so, another round of debate on the ethics of the death penalty began, this time with some NatSov arguments thrown in for spice. Though really, it was just a dash of salt on an otherwise spiceless debate, because reading the same back-and-forth for what felt like the millionth time was blander than iceberg lettuce. The repeal failed with 70% Against, hopefully ending death penalty talk for a while.
SCR#342: “Commend Northern Borland”: This commend was full of satirical praises for the nominees impressively high ranking in a variety of negative stats like obesity and gambling. Author Honeydewistania’s playful proposal, originally drafted last November, unfortunately fell victim to a spiteful quorum raid, knocking it from queue and derailing it for several months while the responsible raiders tried to pretend like they hadn’t just gutted an innocent authors non-R/D-related work. Once Honeydewistania revived the proposal, debate picked up on whether the SC should pass such a humorous proposal. I always enjoy a good laugh, but the rest of NS wasn’t in as much of a joking mood, so the commend squeaked by with only 51% support.
GAR#537 “Right to Assemble”: The promised replacement following the repeal of “Freedom of Assembly” earlier in February, this was meant to resecure the ability of people to assemble and protest in member nations, without the loopholes of the previous proposal. Although there was some contention over the necessity of the repeal and replace, author Maowi received plenty of genuinely helpful critiques, during an unusually constructive forum debate. Although the repeal’s passage necessitated that this replacement be rushed into queue with a few outstanding criticisms, it was still quite popular, and passed with 79% support.
SCR#343 “Commend 1 Very Fast Endotarter”: Author Noahs Second Country made a bold move with this proposal, as it is the second commendation of the same player. Where the first commend focused on r3n’s diplomatic and region building efforts, this commend praised their exemplary work in developing TNP’s Cards Guild and their coding of trading card scripts. Well-written from the get-go, most debate focused on the necessity of a second commend rather than the contents of the proposal itself. The wider NS community was in favor however, and the proposal passed with 78% support.
GAR#538 “Right to Secure Digital Communication”: A rather technical proposal, intended to protect citizens ability to use encryption on digital data without interference or monitoring from the government. Several nations were concerned that this would prevent governments from being able to track down and stop terrorists and other threats, but author Greater Cesnica was adamant that other WA resolutions and tracking methods solved that problem. A typical civil rights vs. security debate if I ever saw one. Perhaps it was the fancy writing, or perhaps WA nations are just disproportionately civil right fans, but the proposal passed with 85% support.
SCR#344 “Liberate The Embassy”: Following a raid on long-time embassy collector region The Embassy, the passworded region needed to be Liberated before any defender operations could be successful. HumanSanity stepped up to the plate, and quickly wrote and submitted this Liberation. Despite raiders spinning the usual nonsense arguments about how their actions aren’t actually that destructive, the support from a native of The Embassy and some deft campaign TGs from HS allowed the proposal to quickly reach queue and speed through vote with a little under 70% support.
GAR#539 “Whistleblower Protection Act”: This proposal is exactly what it says on the tin, protecting the ability of citizens to leak information about improper or criminal government activities. Author Boston Castle faced some pushback over potential violations of privacy caused by whistleblower actions, but the proposal was otherwise generally accepted as an important addition to the halls of civil rights legislation. This resolution passed with 78% support.
SCR#345 “Repeal: ‘Commend Northern Borland’”: Is this a merry-go-round? Because we seem to be going in circles. Shortly after the commendations initial passage, Noahs Second Country submitted a repeal, arguing that the commends sarcastic praise of negative stats was unsuitable for the SC. Ironically, Honeydewistania, the original commends author, was the one to post a forum debate thread, as Noah didn’t do so. Even so, commentary on the repeal was limited and most arguments against the repeal can be boiled down to ‘The commend was for the player, not the nation’. Noah won the day however, and the repeal passed with 59% support.
GAR#540 “Supporting People with Disabilities”: This proposal was the result of months of work by XKI’s very own Free Las Pinas. Codifying protections of the rights of people with disabilities, and preventing discrimination against them, this resolution generally saw wide support. Unfortunately, one clause’s unintended consequence drastically undermined the proposal and forced FLP to pull it from queue for a redraft. After a bit more debate on the necessity of consent in treating a disabled person, FLP resubmitted his proposal and it passed with nearly 83% support. Congrats FLP!
SC “Condemn Lily” (Did not pass): Coming off backlash towards Lily following their raid of The Embassy, author Aredita rushed a poorly researched and written attempt to condemn Lily for their mass tagging. Ignoring basically all criticism (and there was plenty), this proposal only saw support from a few individual nations who were angry with Lily. Although much on NS seemed to agree that Lily should be condemned at some point, this was clearly not the proposal to do it. The WA might be a tough nut to crack in terms of authorship, but when a proposal doesn’t even meet basic standards for grammar and syntax quality…well, let’s just say no one was surprised when this condemn flopped with 79% Against.
GAR#541 “Repeal: ‘Fairness in Collective Bargaining’”: A very straightforward proposal, this repeal by Sylh Alanor pointed out the loopholes and easily-exploited language in the original resolution that made it not nearly as helpful towards labor unions as it should have been. With a replacement being drafted alongside this repeal, there was plenty of favorable reviews and the resolution passed with 88% support.
SCR#346 “Repeal: ‘Liberate The Embassy’”: With The Embassy liberated, raiders booted, and the region’s native back in control, defenders were all ready to move out. As such, the Liberation from earlier needed to be repealed, so that The Embassy could be safely passworded. Without any real ground to stand on, even raiders struggled to make arguments in opposition of this repeal. It flew through vote with 82% support, and I’m happy to report that The Embassy is once again safely passworded and rebuilding its network. A happy ending after all!
Since no one needs advice these days, Sandy Shoals has retired from journalism and now spends her days and nights chainsmoking cigarettes and swilling gin and tonics while inhabiting the den of iniquity known as XKI Casino. We wish her well in her endeavors.
POET LAUREATE CONTEST
It seems XKI's poetic sensibilities have gone to ground as this biannual event only drew two entries, and one of them very brief. To the surprise of no one , the winner, as usual, was Sir Aersoldorf . As Aerso is typically gracious about letting us reprint his winning entries, we didn't even bother to ask for permission this time. Here is his untitled epic poem.
‘Twas long ago, both cold and dark,
The sun had slipped away,
Patrons thru my door had come,
To hide until the day.
Good food, strong drink and tales provide,
Distraction from their fear,
Yet laughing eyes can scarce disguise,
The knowledge that Death’s near.
The TITO boys were making noise,
A’boasting of past deeds,
As stronger ales make stronger tales,
They’d all been in their meads.
Kanta cleared his throat and said,
That he was bravest, true,
“While you were kicking raiders butts,
I kicked their mamas too”
Kort’s Korner did erupt in sound,
Knights spewed their drinks, guffawed,
Up through the floor came Shelter’s ghost,
The patrons silent, awed.
“I hear ye making crazy claims,
I’ve come to set you straight,
Titanica, the bravest knight,
Would use you for cut bait,
Yet even he, the noblest knight,
Was filled with doubt and dread,
When from the sand a monster plucked,
Its fearsome, fishy, head.
Halibostrichus vampiricus,
Part vampire, fish and bird,
Grub gumbo turned and ran so fast,
A sonic boom was heard,
For 80 days and nights they ran,
No respite, no time out,
When out of breath, the knight did stop,
And turn himself about,
I beg of thee my mortal foe,
A toast to death let’s chug,
But Hakke smiled and said no thanks,
I chased you for a hug.”
ROQ Q1 2021
Deputy Minister of Education Kohnhead has announced the winner of the Rookie of the Quarter Award for the first quarter of 2021. That lucky recipient is none other than Porflox! Congratulations on winning this highly coveted award.
Capital: Starlight City
Leader: Perhaps not entirely sane
Currency: Gold
National Animal: Zombie Cow
The Holy Blue Zombie of Porflox is a huge, efficient nation, ruled by Perhaps not entirely sane with a fair hand, and remarkable for its irreverence towards religion, restrictive gun laws, and devotion to social welfare. The hard-nosed, hard-working, democratic, humorless population of 864 million Porfloxians are known throughout the region for their efficiency and work ethic, as well as their general suspicion of leisure.
Naturally, this is the short version. To view the entire ceremony, go here: 10000islands.proboards.com/thread/40990/10000-islands-featured-nation-porflox.
THE END OF AN ERA
TMS first appeared on local newsstands in April 2018. It is with considerable mixed emotions that we have decided to pull the proverbial plug. This is our last issue. It's been a heck of a lot of fun, and we deeply appreciate the support of our loyal readers. There are a few reasons for this decision. It is in part due to declining readership. Even we think we've begun to tread the same ground repeatedly, like an overwrought Editor facing a deadline. Between the Council Report and the Emissary Report, it's all covered very well. Plus, our IRL self is busy, and it's difficult to put everything together here. That's a good thing, as I'm doing what I enjoy: guitars (hoping the pandemic will let the band get back to work), disc golf, time with my wife, making model ships, life. I'm not going anywhere; XKI is home to me, but I may be adopting a reduced role for a spell. I hope someone steps up to take advantage of @tic's Newsroom Stipend. Thanks for a terrific ride, and I'll see you all around. SURF'S UP!
Jabberwocky
The Mad Surfer is:
Staff Writers: Wischland, Jabberwocky, Sandy Shoals
Associate Editor: Grea Kriopia
Editor in Chief/Circulation/Advertising: Jabberwocky
Well, hope you well on future endeavors!
