The Mayor Shelter Collection

[Barry]

“His humor, it was razor sharp
Sarcastic, never mean
A laugh out loud inducing wit
We’ll miss you L’il Green”

From, Our Shelter from Life’s Storms
~ Aersoldorf, XKI Poet Laureate

_______

From Shelter’s Mayor’s Mansion (p. 1):

*May 28, 2009 9:18:50 GMT -8 Shelter from the Storm said:
Hey Minna. Welcome to the new mansion. Feel free to join in. The drinks are always at the taxpayer's expense here.

*Jun 3, 2009 8:32:17 GMT -8 Shelter from the Storm said:
AD and Nixon:
Feel free to drop in at any time. Drinks are courtesy of the Taco Island taxpayer.
____

^
Mayor Shelter opened his new mansion with the above greetings.
They are but a reflection of his legacy of unequaled hospitality and unparalleled wit, which immediately shined brightly upon everyone taking up residence on Taco Island.
It would seem a fitting tribute to The Mayor’s memory to collect some of his “Greatest Hits” in a single thread. It would be a shame for them to be lost to the future in old postings.

To start, here are a few gems that others posted in the “Quote Unquote” thread. There are tons more and it will be a truly joyous hunt to undertake a search for them. *dons Sherlock Holmes cap and prepares to go a-sleuthing*

*****

Feb 3, 2011 at 2:09pm La Vida De Sangre said:
Dear diary,
FML

Feb 3, 2011 at 7:44pm Shelter from the Storm said:
Dear Diary,
I think La Vida De Sangre is depressed. That, or she just issued the strangest sexual invitation I've ever read.

*****

Apr 10, 2011 at 7:57pm Shelter from the Storm said:
Dear Diary,
My life restates the negativeness of the universe. The hideous lonely emptiness of existence. Nothingness. The predicament of Man forced to live in a barren, Godless eternity like a tiny flame flickering in an immense void with nothing but waste, horror and degradation, forming a useless bleak straitjacket in a black absurd cosmos.

On the other hand, there's ice cream in the freezer

*****

Jun 4, 2011 at 7:15pm Shelter from the Storm said:
I don't know... Thanya has always struck me as a compassionate and caring individual.

*****

Jun 20, 2011 at 9:37am Shelter from the Storm said:
Every time I run over a bicyclist I reward myself 12 points. 15 if I make them look at me as I do it!

*****

Aug 4, 2011 at 12:29am Shelter from the Storm said:
I overheard a conversation today on the subway. Apparently, if the guy sitting next to me doesn't pay his bookie, he may have to learn how to call in his bets without the use of his hands.

*****

Aug 26, 2011 at 8:20pm Shelter from the Storm said:
There's little green aliens in my underwear!

*****

Nov 13, 2011 at 8:26pm Byzesion said:
Well, they do say that death and taxes are inevitable. Why not combine the two!

Nov 13, 2011 at 9:12pm Shelter from the Storm said:
Excellent idea!

*****

Aug 18, 2013 at 12:27pm Shelter from the Storm said:
Dear Diary,
It turns out that it is not true that you can get away with anything as long as you are wearing a chicken suit.

[Duckyian Empire]

Impressive. Long Live Shelter!

[Witchcraft and Sorcery]

Very nice. Shelter's wit was one that very few could match.

[Duckyian Empire]

*cannot ever match wit*

[Barry]

From: “The Or Game”

In this thread, a player poses two choices, and another player picks one, giving a reason for their decision.

These beauties are just some of Mayor Shelter’s responses found in this thread. The first line below is the choice others offered in (); and the second line is The Mayor’s choice, reasoning, and the thread page [] where his response is found....These are just plain old “fall down” funny!
-------------------------------

(Betty or Veronica?)
Definitely Betty. She is merely a vapid and unsophisticated twit, whereas Veronica is a spoilt, egocentric and often callous pregnant dog. a pox on both their houses. On the other hand, Archie is no prize, either. [p.24]
*
(Sub or Hero?)
I hate being underwater in a tin can and I am not fond of Batman...[25]
*
(Unicorn or Manticore?)
Definitely unicorn. Do they like virgins?
< virgin
Wait, this isn't the right thread for that...[28]
*
(Watermelon or Cantaloupe?)
Watermelon b/c it fits my head nicely. [31]
*
(Brother or Uncle?)
I'd rather sleep with my sister than my uncle or brother. After all, I'm not kinky...[32]
*
(Implants or Naturals?)
I prefer teeth to dental implants. [35]
*
(Very *friendly* person or pregnant dog?)
You can kill a pregnant dog [36]
*
(Color or colour?)
Definitely colour. Silly Americans don't know how to speak or write the Queen's English. [36]
*
(Miley Cyrus: good or bad role model?)
Who? [37]
*
(Miley Cyrus or Justin Bieber?)
Who? [37]
*
(Ke$ha or Lady Gaga?)
Who? [37]
*
(Punk or Pop?)
pop, I suppose. I especially like cream soda. [38]
*
(Work or Play?)
Play. I like anything by Tom Stoppard, Harold Pinter or Samuel Beckett. [38]
*
(Wishy-washy or ambivalent?)
ambivalent. No. Wishy-washy. Wait... No Ambivalent. I think... Maybe wishy-washy? Yes! Wishy-washy (unless, of course, ambivalent)... A bit of both? No. ambivalent? [38]
*
(Wordy or Woon?)
Wordy has much nicer legs. [39]
*
(Who do you think will be the villian of the next Batman movie: Penguin, Catwoman or Riddler?)
Bernie Madoff [39]
*
(Spade or Hoe?)
Hiring a gardener. [39]
*
(Grease or Lubricant?)
lubricant, particularly the edible stuff. [40]
*
(Half-empty or half-full?)
I see it as a glass two times the size of what it needs to be. [43]
*
(A scenario: You're confronted by a man with a knife and he's demanding your wallet. You also have a knife. Fight or flight?)
I give him my wallet and then stab him repeatedly when he already thinks he's won. [44]
*
(Bowling or Billiards?)
Are you asking me how I like my balls? [44]
*
(Keeping Gunny's secret or telling it to everyone, including random people on the internet?)
Blackmailing Gunny to keep it quiet. [45]
*
(Getting plastered on New Years or on St. Patty's?)
Getting stoned on Allen Ginsberg's birthday [47]
*
(Miley Cyrus or Justin Bieber?)
Ick. I would choose Justin Bieber to shoot at close range and Miley Cyrus to push off a cliff. [48]
*
(Yes or No?)
I prefer no because it is a shorter word and generally prevents me from being surprised. [48]
*
(Teenager or adult?)
Last time I chose a teenager, I got into a lot of trouble, so I guess i should stick with adults... [48]
*
(Baseball or Cricket?)
Baseball bats are easier to store under the front seat of the car, but cricket bats make a much nicer sound when you smash your victim in the head. [48]
*
(Captain Kirk or Captain Picard?)
I like Picard because. He. Does. Not. Make. Each. Word. Into. Its. Own. Sentence. [51]
*
(Rachael or Ray?)
Well, I once dated a woman named Rachel... Bad, horrible, traumatic memories, so: Ray [52]
*
(Hews or Hues?)
Depends on whether I am cutting down a tree or painting it. [54]
*
(Bow or beau?)
Depends on whether I am worshipping my deity or my woman. [54]
*
(Violin or Viola?)
I once dated a woman named Viola, so violin. [54]
*
(Zombies or Werewolves?)
Definitely werewolves. I regularly transform myself into a wolf. [60]
*
(Frankenstein or Dracula?)
Frankenstein. He is an artificial construct who is mostly confused. Dracula is pure evil and wants to eat me. [61]
*
(h or i?)
h because there is an h in chocolate. [63]
*
(Being awoken at 3am on a weekday because of a neighbor's party or being awoken at 6am on the weekend because of a neighbor mowing their lawn?)
I can always join the party. On the other hand, I can always throw my neighbour under his lawn mower. [65]
*
(Baked or fried?)
Fried! I love fried stuff! If you breaded and fried a tyre, I would probably enjoy it! [70]
*
(Give Osama bin Laden a proper burial or not?)
How about we mount him on the new World Trade Centre buildings? We could throw tomatoes! [70]
*
(Ebola Sudan or Ebola Zaire?)
Sudan. It's easier to bury people in the desert. [73]
*
(Snowboarding or Waterboarding?)
I enjoy torturing my enemies, so – waterboarding [73]
*
(Crests or ribbons?)
Ribbons. It is very difficult to tie up your lover with crests. [73]
*
(Paper or plastic?)
Plastic, specifically latex (see my answer about ribbons) [73]
*
(Live Long or Prosper?)
Live long. The compound interest would ensure I prosper [74]
*
(Monogamy or fun?)
What is monogamy? *Aide whispers in Mayor's ear* It means WHAT?!? [76]
*
(Hook-up sex or Sunday morning sex?)
Can't I have both? [78]
*
(Cake or Pie?)
Which one has the hash baked in it? [78]
*
(Plastic or Metal?)
Plastic, because it is made of all natural ingredients. [79]
*
(4 walls? Or 4 Bed posts?)
I think I like the bed posts idea. Also I prefer babies. They smell wonderful and you don't have to chase them. [82]
*
(Carmen Diaz or Kim Kardashian?)
Aren't the Kardashians those nasties from Star Trek DS9? [85]
*
(Dinosaurs or Robots?)
Robots. Dinosaurs are hard to program. [91]
*
(Coach or First Class?)
First class, of course. Only unpleasant people would travel coach. [99]
*
(MW3 or BF3 ??)
I have no idea what that means, so I'll go with BF3 because I have 3 boyfriends. Wait... I don't think that's true...[110]
*
(Which is more important: Physics or Chemistry?)
Important to whom? [111]
*
(Carmex or Chapstick?)
Yves Saint Laurent ROUGE VOLUPTÉ Silky Sensual Radiant lipstick of course! [111]
*
(Goblins or Succubae?)
I love a little succubus. (her name is Molly) [113]
*
(Telepathy or telekinesis?)
Telekinesis doesn't move me, so, the other one. I can't think of what it is right now. [113]
*
(Submarine commander or Bomber pilot?)
I was once in love with a submarine commander, so I would like to try the pilot next. [114]
*
(Chicken or Turkey?)
Oh, Turkey I think. Istanbul is a fun city. I've never been to Chicken. Where is it? [117]
*
(Electric or steam powered?)
'Lectric. The steam powered vibrator is too heavy. [117]
*
(One million dollars or a solid gold car?)
How big a car? [118]
*
(Close Encounters or Close Calls?)
Mmm I like close encounters. That's why I like feeling people up in the elevator at the Mayor's Mansion. [118]
*
(Elevators or escalators?)
Elevators. It's harder to grope people on escalators. [118]
*
(The world will end this Friday, as the Mayan Doomsday Calendar says, or not?)
I'll let you know Saturday morning. [119]
*
(Desperate housewives or hookers?)
Um do you have to pay desperate housewives? [120]
*
(Horse racing or greyhound racing?)
I like dogs, so horse racing. [121]
*
("I love watching the Oscars" or "Who gives a bleep about the Oscars?")
Who the hell is Oscar? [122]
*
(Love at First Sight, or Lust at First Sight?)
I usually feel lust as I feel up people in elevators. [122]
*
(Shooting range, or Archery range?)
Archery is too much work. I would rather just shoot someone. [129]
*
(Snow White or Sleeping Beauty?)
Which one do I get to kiss? [143]
*
(Mary Poppins or Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?)
Mary. She wants me! [148]
*
(Stupidity or ignorance?)
I am very proud of the ignorance of the voter. BTW, I have decided to seek a 17th term as Mayor. [149]

[Duckyian Empire]

That was entertaining to read.

[Aersoldorf]

Thank you very much Barry, I've thought about doing something like this myself but lacked the time.

[Aersoldorf]

Here's one of his that I found over on the forum in Canada:

"If I bring you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you is all that is necessary. Not all this, 'How did you get in my house' nonsense."

[Duckyian Empire]

Heh.

That's so true! I have a dislike of people who are ungrateful.

[Barry]

The other day I started going through the "Blatant Lies About Yourself" thread. It's massive and could take years. Here's a few of Hizzonner's gems so far from the 'early days'. I'll keep plugging away on it. I know The Mayor had some real beauties in there.

***
< invented the H1N1 virus. – 30

< Doesn't 'get' his sense of humour.

< has the ability to see through politicians

< Is Richard Nixon's love child – 31

< was married to an internet explorer, but she went missing in a 404 error and was never heard from again. – 32

< Lays thin-shelled eggs because of DDT exposure. – 35

< Has no soles on his feet. – 37

< frequently bathes.

[Aersoldorf]

Here's another one from the Canada forum:

Dear Diary,

I've come to the realization that I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think "Well, that's not going happen."