The Mad Islander - September 2015 Edition Sept 5, 2015 15:22:00 GMT -5 Control, Hahiha / USSR, and 1 more like this
Post by madislander on Sept 5, 2015 15:22:00 GMT -5
Hello again everyone, I'm pleased to present the September 2015 issue of The Mad Islander for your reading enjoyment. I'd like to kick this issue off by saying a big thank you to the staff who have been working very diligently behind the scenes to get this ready for publication. It really does take a lot of time and energy to put something like this together and I'm very happy to have a staff that's willing to put forth so much creative effort.
This month we have a couple of new features as well as some new editions of features that we presented last month. Our aim here at TMI is to entertain our audience. To that end we welcome your feedback. If there's an article that you really liked then please let us know so that we will continue featuring it. If there's something that you don't really care for, let us know and we may choose to drop that idea look for something to replace it with. You can leave your comments in this thread, or if you prefer you can send a pm to Aersoldorf or @madislander.
Finally, please keep in mind that we're always looking for new additions to our magazine staff. If you think that you'd enjoy working with us then please send me a pm. If you don't think you can spare the time to do this on a monthly basis but you do have something that you think we could use, let me know. I'll pay 5,000 tacos for any submission that we use in a future edition.
Thank you once again for taking the time to read the fruit of our labors, I truly hope that you enjoy reading it as much as we enjoy working on it.
Owner and Senior Editor
Letters to the Editor
Dear Mad Islander,
I am Queen Nefertiti of Egypt, Lady of Grace, Sweet of Love, Lady of The Two Lands, Great King’s Wife, Lady of all Women and the Mistress of Upper and Lower Egypt. I found myself relaxing in the shade of the Sphinx the other morning when I found myself thinking 'By the Great Sun God Ra, what is wrong with newspapers these days? Bird Cat Sideways Man Sideways Man Daily is all just doom and gloom. War in the Upper Kingdom, war in the Lower Kingdom, famines, plagues, blah blah blah.' Anyway, so I rung up my old friend King Henry the Eighth of England and he had nothing but good words about your fine magazine. In fact, he told me that if it wasn't for the jokes and dating advice you provided him, he wouldn't have even made it to his third wife. After such high praise, can you imagine my horror when I found out you do not publish in Egyptian hieroglyphs? If you do not have your scribe address this issue shortly, I shall declare war on your fair magazine.
Good Evening Mr Nefertiti,
I hope this letter reaches you well. We have had to have the work experience boy, Chad, translate your letter to us into English. Should our reply not please, we place all blame on Chad's pour language skills. Unfortunately, the lad has never managed to pass an English class in his life, but by employing fools we can deduct their income from our taxes thanks to some rather generous loopholes. We were all very sorry to here of yore troubles reeding the Mad Islander. Eye four won no watt ewe must bee going threw. On a trip to Bolivia (wear eye eight sum bad meet and was ill four days), I maid a wrong tern and got lost inn the jungle. After being lost four daze, I was found buy a short man from grease. As he only spoke Italian, I could only struggle bye with sum words I learnt while in roam. As eye would hate four yew too experience similar language problems, eye shall ensure someone will right you a copy in hieroglyphs. Two bee fare though, I must ad that the hieroglyphic edition will cost an extra for cows and a large goat. Please make shore that the animals are in good health, and knot infested with flees or parasites.
- The 'Editor'
For her letter to the editor, Mr Nefertiti will be provided with an autographed photo of the editor of the Mad Islander in his swimming trunks. To write your own letter to the editor, please send a properly stamped envelope to 'The Document Shredder, Level 6 C/O The Mad Islander, 101 Taco Drive, Taco Island 10101
Dear Mr. Morris,
I'm writing to apply for the position of bear hunter you advertised in The Sun last week.
Unfortunately I do not yet have any experience in the field. You see, I am a licensed chartered accountant. However, seeing as that profession does not fulfill me, I am looking for new challenges. I have experience with weapons, in fact, my slingshot skills were feared all over the neighborhood when I was a little boy. And while I may not be experienced with large animals such as bears, I command respect from my fierce Yorkshire Terrier Chester and have taught my cat Snuggles not to pee on the carpet between 5 am and 7 am.
So you see, I am well versed in fields related to your profession and I look forward to hearing from you.
Thomas E. F. Harrison, London WC1N 1AZ
Dear Mr. Harrison,
It would appear that somehow your letter was sent to us in error. We have never advertised in The Sun for a bear hunter. Obviously the editorial staff over there doesn't check their facts nearly as well as we do here. However, all may not be lost. While asking around to see if anyone here had, in fact, run an ad for a bear hunter it was made known to me that Barry is interested in utilizing your services as a bare hunter in his jungle-themed play room. I'm unsure if he intends for you to be a stripper or if he wants you to take pictures of him and his fembots at play, I'll let the two of you work out the details on your own. Thank you for the opportunity to be visually scarred for life, I'm going to go take a shower now but I have a feeling that I'll never feel clean again.
Deer Mad Islander,
I'm in the 2nd grade and need some help with my homework. Can you please tell me what 4-3 equals?
Ms. Primrose's elementary class
Thank you for writing in to us with this problem. To solve it, we need to first consider a number of things.
First, please examine the following:
0 * a = (0 + 0) * a
(0 + 0) * a = 0 * a + 0 * a
0 * a = 0 * a + 0 * a
Then, by adding - (0 + a) to both sides, we get:
0 * a - (0 + a)= 0 * a + 0 * a - (0 + a)
0 = 0 * a
Let's label 0 = 0 * a as Eq. 1
This will be important later on. Now, we will define S(a) as the successor function. In mathematical terms, this means:
a + S(b) = S(a + b)
Let's label a + S(b) = S(a + b) as Eq. 2
We will also define 1 to be the successor of 0. i.e.
1 = S(0)
Let's label 1 = S(0) as Eq. 3
Now, for all natural numbers a:
S(a) = S(a + 0) (As per Eq. 1)
S(a + 0) = a + S(0) (As per Eq. 2)
a + S(0) = a + 1 (As per Eq. 3)
Let's label S(a) = a + 1 as Eq. 4
Now let's use this to re-examine your problem.
We know that S(a) = a + 1.
When a = 0, S(0) = 1.
When a = 1, S(1) = 1 + 1. Let us define the value of S(1) as 2.
When a = 2, S(2) = 2 + 1. Let us define the value of S(2) as 3.
When a = 3, S(3) = 3 + 1. Let us define the value of S(3) as 4.
Assuming that the values given in your problem have been defined in the same way as above, it follows:
4 - 3 = S(3) - S(2)
S(3) - S(2) = (3 + 1) - (2 + 1)
(3 + 1) - (2 + 1) = (S(2) + 1) - (S(1) + 1)
(S(2) + 1) - (S(1) + 1) = ((2 + 1) + 1) - ((1 + 1) + 1)
((S(1) + 1) + 1) - ((1 + 1) + 1) = (((1 + 1) + 1) + 1) - ((1 + 1) + 1)
(((1 + 1) + 1) + 1) - ((1 + 1) + 1) = (1 + 1 + 1 + 1) - (1 + 1 + 1)
(1 + 1 + 1 + 1) - (1 + 1 + 1) = 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 - 1 - 1 - 1
1 + 1 + 1 + 1 - 1 - 1 - 1 = 1 + 1 + 1 + 0 - 1 - 1
1 + 1 + 1 + 0 - 1 - 1 = 1 + 1 + 1 - 1 - 1
1 + 1 + 1 - 1 - 1 = 1 + 1 + 0 - 1
1 + 1 + 0 - 1 = 1 + 1 - 1
1 + 1 - 1 = 1 + 0
1 + 0 = 1
Therefore, 4 - 3 = 1.
We hope that has helped, and good luck in the 2nd grade.
Hello XKI, Today we are joined by the talented EF TO Woonsocket. I got a few minutes to sit down with him between the hectic things in his ever-growing busy schedule. Let me say, he didn't disappoint. Now, lets turn our attention to Mr. Woonsocket himself.
Jin: I want to start out easy, ask a small question with a broad range. How is it being a TITO TO? Has it turned out the way you thought when first joining?
Woon: I pretty much knew what I was getting into. I'm the TO of the TITO EF, and that is a specific strike force aimed at certain targets. No surprises.
Jin: Well, lets get to know the unique name that you chose. Woonsocket? That is a different name. How did you come by it? What is its meaning?
Woon: Woonsocket is a city in northern Rhode Island, USA. It's directly south of the Massachusetts state line, and the name means "thunder mist" in one of the Indian dialects of the region. That name comes from the biggest waterfall on the Blackstone River, which runs through Woonsocket. When I signed up for NationStates in 2003, I was living in Woonsocket. Several other names I wanted were already taken so that was the first one that was available.
Jin: Oh, nice choice for a name! Lets continue on with the XKI career questions. Do you have plans for the future other than EF TO? If so, what plans? Can you share any of them?
Woon: Not sure. Grub likes to mix things up so I will serve wherever is best.
Jin: Lets talk about the man behind Woonsocket. Its the tail end of summer here, i know i have plans but what about you? Do you usually go out and spend the day somewhere during summer?
Woon: No, I work.
Jin: Well, lets elaborate on the last question. What do you do outside of XKI and NS?
Woon: In real life, I have a job managing a color laboratory.
Jin: Lets try a different angle. Who is the man that is Woonsocket? Share a few facts about yourself? What food do you enjoy most? Do you go to college? What type of music and movies do you like?
Woon: I like a huge variety of foods; no particular favorite but it has to be freshly made, not store bought. I've lived in SE Asia, and all over the US, so I have eclectic tastes. I also play in several local bands - I'm a bass player. One of the bands plays everything from classic rock to country, and the other is a rock orchestra.
Jin: Oh Woon, i want to know more about your time in SE Asia and your travels within the states. I could ask you questions for a long while but how about I wrap up here and I might try to snag another interview at a later date? I enjoyed talking with you and I know you will continue striving to take TITO EF to its fullest.
As for myself, i am Jin and until the next Jinside Edition, be safe and stride on.
Mr. Fox Investigates
Man not attacked by Shark
Bruce Wellington, 27, is a surfer who frequents Wavebreak Beach. Early Tuesday morning, Bruce was not attacked by a shark.
As he describes it, Bruce had been out surfing for a little over an hour when he noticed he wasn't being attacked by a shark. The resulting panic had lifeguards close the beach until the end of the lack of sharks could be confirmed by a Coast Guard helicopter.
Even more shocking, is that Bruce didn't see the shark that didn't attack him. 'One moment I'm looking for a gnarly wave man, and the next there's just no surfacing fins or a hundred sharp teeth. It makes you think, you know.'
A fellow surfer, who simply goes by the name 'Handy Andy', was there at the time. He told the Mad Islander 'It was like something out of a movie, except if you saw it in a movie you would think that it couldn't even be possible in a movie with special effects.'
This lack of attack has become frighteningly common for beach goers at Taco Island.
Local man, Louisistan commented 'I've never once seen a shark in my life and I've been living near the water for six years. My friend Shirley never got attacked by one. It's just so shocking, you know?'
Yes, we do. Upon consulting local experts we can exclusively confirm that there hasn't been a shark attack in Taco Island waters in the last 12 years.
Locals have nominated Bruce for a bravery award, for staying so calm in the situation. Taco Island Mayor Aersoldorf has taken the opportunity to earn some favor with his constituents, and has claimed that he will stamp out the lack of shark attacks.
Mayor Aersoldorf was quoted as saying 'I want to assure the good people of Taco Island that this blatant lack of attacks by sharks will not be tolerated. I will not rest until this deviant behavior has been eradicated from our fair shores.'
We will continue to cover this shocking event for the next month.
Re: Taco Island
Mayoral Mansion Raided
This morning, the Mansion of Mayor Aersoldorf was raided by agents of the XKI Tax Enforcment. Sources close to the Regional Reserve have revealed that the Regional Reserve will press charges against the Mayor for multiple counts of Tax Evasion. The Mayor himself is known for prosecuting tax evaders in the harshest ways possible so these news came as a surprise to The Mad Islander. Apparently while setting up the ununravelable jungle of Taco Island Tax Code, the Mayor forgot to exclude his income from taxes from being taxed themselves.
The Regional Reserve Chairwoman had this to say: "Huh? What rumor?.......*so lost right now*"
Tim Horton: Worst Head of Taco Island since Naoi
It has been two months since Tim Horton from The Candy Lane proclaimed himself as Viceroy of Taco Island. After two months, he has not appointed a single government official or issued a single law. It is also unclear to which regal entity Mr. Horton is Viceroy, the title implicating the existence of some King or Queen who has vested this power in him. Mr. Horton's lack of government activity makes his government the worst one since Former Mayor Naoi, who was banned from 10000 Islands for being an invader spy.
Appeasement all around!
In a surprising move, King Tanzoria has appointed his former arch rival Louisistan as his Chief of Staff. Louisistan, formerly pretender to the throne of Taco Island, was locked in an epic struggle for the supremacy on Taco Island for the most part of late 2014 / early 2015. The conflict ended after Louisistan renounced his claim to the throne and joined Tanzoria's Small Council. It seems obvious that this latest appointment is a move to prevent Louisistan from perpetrating another coup against the King. Sources close to Lord Ater Nox claim that Ater Nox was most irate over the King's decision. Ater Nox is the Hand of the King and was considered a strong contender for the post of Chief of Staff. In an obvious move for appeasement, Louisistan then appointed Ater Nox as Executive Director of the 3553 Group. Apparently not fighting is more important to the government actors of Taco Island than actually selecting competent applicants for their jobs.
Grandma Millie's Kitchen
Hello my little Millie Mites and welcome to my kitchen. Today we will be preparing a great little secret recipe of mine. It was handed down from my mother to me. It is an Apple Turnover with a twist. Now let's get started. First you will need a pot and some apples. You will want to get your knife out and peel and slice the apple like a man, none of that apple coring bull crap. After you do that just throw them in the pot with some sugar, cinnamon, and butter. You want to saute the slices, um, or do you want to bake them in butter? Tell you what, let's just throw that pot away and get a nice baking dish and put everything in that. Now, as I am baking the apples, I want to get the pastry dough out of the....FREEZER?!?!?!? WHO'S IN CHARGE OF PRODUCTION HERE? THE FREAKING DOUGH IS SUPPOSED TO BE PRE-THAWED! GOSH DARN IDIOTS, DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO PREPARE FOR A COOKING SHOW? Somebody fire the prepper, all she does is smoke them weird cigarettes and listen to that dubbystep.
Turn the camera off you jarhead! We need more time! What? Oh, er, um, fine. (Big smile) Welcome back my little crustaceans, as you can see we now we have the dough already rolled out and ready to go. When you make this dish at home you should have already done that, I don't need to hold your hand and walk you through everything do I? Grow up. Now we will just take the baked apples out of the (Millie grabs the pan, which is searing hot and burns her, making her drop the dish of apples all over the floor) WHO IN THE WORLD LEFT THE FRIGGING BURNER ON? GREAT MOTHER OF APPLES! THE PAN IS SUPPOSE TO BE COOLED FOR THE SHOW! This entire crew is incompetent. (Big Smile, gritting teeth) Alright my dears, let's continue. Now that we have the apple mixture cooked and ready, spread it evenly on the dough and fold the dough in half making a triangle (winks at camera - 'Illuminati confirmed'), baste it with a bit of bourbon, and put it in the oven. Just put it on whatever you feel is a good temperature and relax. I like to relax with my cabana boy Merv and some extra dry gin, he is a little penny pincher if you catch my drift but man, he looks good in that Speedo. After about 25 minutes turn the oven off and forget about the Apple Turnover because, let's face it, you can't cook and you will never learn. That is why your husband left you...well that and the 22-year-old secretary that he ran off to Aspen with. Just drink the rest of the bourbon, buy a cat, and cry yourself to sleep every night. What else is a middle-aged single woman supposed to do when she comes home from her desk job and kicks off her off-brand heels?
Well, this has been Grandma Millie's Kitchen. So long and remember,
Baking is better with bourbon and so is life.
'Funniest Motto' Contest
Thanks to the generosity of Tsim Sha Tsui we have the codes to give away 4 free Steam games. We intend to offer them as prizes in various contests throughout the coming months, starting with our very first contest idea. We want to find the funniest motto in all of NationStates, well, to be honest we want you to find it. We're too
Well, there you have it. Our second offering. We do hope you enjoyed reading it and we look forward to continuing to add new features to make our magazine even better.
Until next month, we are:
Owner and Senior Editor: Aersoldorf
Editor: Hahiha / USSR
Staff Writers: Ater Nox, Louisistan, Bolt, Jin, Barry