Post by Free Guns For All on Nov 14, 2012 20:27:23 GMT -5
Hello friends, and welcome to the roast of one of the finest Islanders . . . oops, sorry, I mean, one of the most fined Islanders of all time, Mayor Shelter. I’m your roast master Free Guns For All, and yes I got this job at gunpoint. We had a wonderful evening planned, unfortunately Aersoldorf is here. The only reason no-one’s taken his Poet Laureate job is because we don’t want to anger a Vogon. Also we’ve got Wordy. She’s reached such a high level of prettiness that whenever ugly people break a mirror by looking into it, she repairs it by doing the same thing. We confirmed this by making her look at the mirror in my dressing room.
Also tonight we have La Vida De Sangre. At first, when she heard we were going to roast the mayor, she thought we were gonna stick a spit through him and cook him over an open fire, which we would have done had we thought that wouldn’t kill him. Also roasting the mayor, we have Byzesion, who recently recovered from the shock of discovering Valve can do a third game in a series.
But now, a little about the mayor. His profile says he came to the Islands back in May 2009, and the Great Library says he took the role of mayor just two weeks after getting here. Clearly, Harmonious Treefolk had no idea what he was getting the Islands into. While Shelter welcomes everyone to Taco Island with open arms, he uses those arms to grab your ass and steal your tacos.
Mayor Shelter has had many honours across the Islands. Aside from mayor, he’s also a Knight of TITO. Sadly, this ended every woman’s dream of a knight in shining armour rescuing them from the Mayor. Also on his XKI resume, he served as a senator last year between March and May. I remember that was during the time I too was a senator. I also remember that most of the interns were horribly traumatised shortly after Shelter arrived. I swear guys, this time it wasn’t me . . . okay, maybe one or two.
So, whether you remember him as a friend, an ally, or the guy who sexual harassed you in the elevator, just remember that Mayor Shelter is always with us, and . . . what? He’s not dead? Of course I knew that. I was talking about the fact that he’s like Santa: he knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re not paying taxes, he’ll make you pay even if he has to put you on the rackses. Everybody, put your hands together, with your wallet tightly between them, for XKI’s greatest, greenest, most monstrous mayor ever, as we roast Shelter From The Storm for Taco Island Day 2012.
Also tonight we have La Vida De Sangre. At first, when she heard we were going to roast the mayor, she thought we were gonna stick a spit through him and cook him over an open fire, which we would have done had we thought that wouldn’t kill him. Also roasting the mayor, we have Byzesion, who recently recovered from the shock of discovering Valve can do a third game in a series.
But now, a little about the mayor. His profile says he came to the Islands back in May 2009, and the Great Library says he took the role of mayor just two weeks after getting here. Clearly, Harmonious Treefolk had no idea what he was getting the Islands into. While Shelter welcomes everyone to Taco Island with open arms, he uses those arms to grab your ass and steal your tacos.
Mayor Shelter has had many honours across the Islands. Aside from mayor, he’s also a Knight of TITO. Sadly, this ended every woman’s dream of a knight in shining armour rescuing them from the Mayor. Also on his XKI resume, he served as a senator last year between March and May. I remember that was during the time I too was a senator. I also remember that most of the interns were horribly traumatised shortly after Shelter arrived. I swear guys, this time it wasn’t me . . . okay, maybe one or two.
So, whether you remember him as a friend, an ally, or the guy who sexual harassed you in the elevator, just remember that Mayor Shelter is always with us, and . . . what? He’s not dead? Of course I knew that. I was talking about the fact that he’s like Santa: he knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re not paying taxes, he’ll make you pay even if he has to put you on the rackses. Everybody, put your hands together, with your wallet tightly between them, for XKI’s greatest, greenest, most monstrous mayor ever, as we roast Shelter From The Storm for Taco Island Day 2012.
37th Knight of TITO
