Jerky

[Alfonia]

maaaaaan... I have here a bag of "wild chips" the scandinavian answer to beef jerkey... On the bag it says it is made of meat from reindeer, moose and deer... but I'll say it's made of dick. or roadkill. or a roadkilled dick.

MAAAAAN this stuff is Awful!

The stuff comes in small plastic bags, quite like the barf bags you find in aeroplanes... this doesn't surprise me... in fact I believe there's a high chance they actually used barf bags for this product.... anyways... opening the bag, a vile stench rises and hits you like a good punch in the face... (actually it's more like a kick in the groin but I have decided not to be too mean, so I won't mention that)...
Looking into the bag you can see the stomach contents of a moose.... or something... actually I think they make this like this:

first they find a roadkilled badger or beaver.... then duct tape horns made out of cardboard to the poor animal's head.

Now when the carcass is classified as a moose-carcass by the EU: they bring out the big machines that foresters use to turn big logs of wood into fine pieces of wood (you know the type), and put the roadkilled dick/badger with cardboard horns into it...

the result is...

TAH-f*cking-DAH...

Wild chips... well obviously they have to dry them first, and probably roll them in chlorine a time or two to kill all the bacteria in the meat...

The taste is like.... hmmm rotten leather with a slight aroma of piss. or dead fish. I SWEAR TO GOD I CAN NOT BELIEVE HOW ANYONE WANTS TO EAT THIS! And as if this wasn't enough... the product is actually quite expensive... 25 SEK per bag... (one bag contains 40 grams of... ehm this product... but I see that as a good thing, since if you somehow get captured by evil (swedish) gnomes, chances are they will use this product to torture you, and since there aren't actually that much of this stuff in a bag, your suffering will be short. unless they have several bags of course. and they probably do have just that)

Anyways... I decided to pay a visit to their website... I can't believe what they say... first they suggest making a pasta sauce by boiling these awful pieces of meat (?) in cream... then they brag about how much children loves this shit... I tell you this... even if kids love this product, you don't love your kids if you let them eat it. They also brag about how natural the product is and that it has been around for thousands of years (oh! that's the reason why it tastes so bad... like an old viking's arse)...

Do people actually find it enjoyable to eat old, dry meat?

OK please know this is just me and my friend's opinion... I'm just saying I don't like this product. But I suggest you buy it... because... man... you can't know before you have tasted this... and considering that people like beef jerky... well yeah...

So now you describe things you don't like please... I will give you some more interesting information about what tastes awful later.

Now I am off to clean my digestive system with a spoon on a very, very long string... ciao!



Next: Maengdana... horrible thai insect-product that actually tastes like burnt pear.

[Alfonia]

Update...

I am still alive...

My friend and I made a simple (yet rather effective) bong and tried to smoke the pieces of meat.... man that smell is even more horrible, since all of a sudden my room started to smell of rotten flesh. Yuck.

Writes in notebook: Do not smoke beef jerky,

Actually I'm surprised that the smoke got so dense....

[Alfonia]

So you have any descriptions of wonderful or awful things you have eaten lately?

[Grub]

I can't make a lot of things in the way of food, but I can make some awesome beef jerky. I don't use reindeer, moose or deer, though. Try getting some real jerky made from a good old fashioned cow. It's good stuff.

[Alfonia]

i'll have to try that then:)

I'm sure it can be great seeing as it's so popular... oh and by the way I noticed this just now... that bag of... meat chips was old... it was supposed to be consumed like... days ago

[Eschonic Casa Don]

Interesting That is all i can say, I do cook somewhat...

[Alfonia]

Ok... so I've thought up a headline for this...

Maengdana - a quite intriguing snack until you find out what it's made of.

OK... since no-one else is posting their experiences involving eating freaky stuff here comes another one from me... Once upon a time...

I went to the local asian food market, you know one of those cozy little stores in which you can buy all the thai music magazines, exotic spices and kratingdaeng you want. Yay! The funny thing with this store is that they sell LOADS of stuff that you have no idea what it is... plus the chanses you find out what it really is are small since the ingredients lists on the packages tends to be in the thai language or semi-understandable english or swedish.
So, being bored like hell me and a friend went there during lunch in school, and decided to buy some different kinds of exotic sodas and some candy... We walked around in there for a while, our eyes shining with happiness as we saw the bags with dried fish (supposedly these had to be consumed before 2003, but they were still on sale, I suppose there isn't a type of bacteria in the world that would infest such a vile-looking product), the various types of pepper and the dreaded "pringles crisps from HELL, baby YEAH!" (that's what I like to call them, and I will make sure to give you the details on those later).
So time was running out and we had to decide quickly, so we grabbed three soda cans and a package of what we thought was some kind of candy. I noticed that the lady behind the counter gave us the weirdest look in a century, but I did not think about it much at the time... Thai sodas are actually quite good, but we decided we would save those for later... what drew our attention was the "candy"... a little red- and yellow.coloured paper box with a thai dude catching a fish or something on it, as well as the text "maengdana"... I was really excited as I remembered having eaten some thai candy that looked like small red pieces of paper (without any smiley symbols on them though, so you can be cool, I'm not encouraging any type of substance abuse except for caffeine) some years before and I liked those very much... So we decided to open the little package on our way to school.
We were in for a surprise... in the package that we suspected would contain candy there was a little glass bottle, with a plastic lid tightly screwed on. There was also a very small pipette (that's the word right? small glass tube with a rupper piece at the top, used in chemistry when dealing with fluids). Now WHAT was this? food certainly... but it looked more like steroids or something to me...
We opened the bottle... and a smell of pear juice hit us, right in the face... the smell was actually kind of good, so we decided that this is probably candy after all... I proceeded to take out the pipette and sucked up some of the fluid into the pipe... then I put it in my mouth and placed a couple of drops on my tongue... jeeeeeesus! I mean wow! this tasted EXACTLY like a mix of burnt synthetic pear flavour and thinner. The taste was VERY strong however, so I had to grab one of those thai sodas (that unfortunately turned out to taste awful as well as having a slimy character to it... but never mind) and drank a mouthful of that... my friend also tried the stuff and he had basicly the same reaction as me... so we ate/drank some more of the stuff.
back in school again we brought out our newly acquired goodies, to the horror and amazement of our friends... We had decided that we should get as many as possible to taste the maengdana (yet not knowing what it really was except for food, of this we were pretty sure)... so we both drank half the contents of the bottle, and made really happy faces, successfully ignoring that the thinner flavour was burning in our throats, to show everyone what a lovely treat it was. Now the wee bottle was passed around, and many got a taste of the maengdana "wow, Alf, you really were right! this does taste like burnt pear! give me some more will ya?" was one of the comments... (another one was "man down man down! MEEEEEDIIIIIIIC!" but I ignored that)

So soon enough a lot of our friends had tasted this mysterious thing out of curiosity, and the only one that was feeling bad was me, but i had more than a quarter of that bottle so it was understandable. i even got our English teacher to taste it, he also gave me the comment that it indeed tasted like burnt pears. Later we made "drinks" out of the thai sodas and the maengdana, but all those experiments turned out awfuls so we had to throw those away...

But the question remained? WTF is Maengdana? And why had that lady in the store looked at us in such a freaky way when we bought three cans of soda, some candy and some meangdana?
My worst fears were confirmed by a french cooking site... Maengdana is a fluid taken from the internal glands of a water-dwelling, thai cockroach that is as big as a fist (Lethacerus indicus)! Good GOD! I had no idea! first I was about to throw up, but then I quickly got to my senses and realized I had to tell almost all of my friends and my english teacher what that "burnt-pear-stuff" really was... the reactions were mixed I can tell you that...

So the conclusion:
Thai people use this to flavour their fish soup... I would try it, but I really really hate fish soup, so I'll avoid it for now. But maengdana offers a very strong sensation of eating burnt pear and thinner and insects at the same time, this is almost cool enough for it to be classified as a semi-spiritual experience. I doubt there is anything better if you want to experience all these flavours at once. But really, the stuff is horrible, especially when mixed with slimy mango soda.

[Beta Aurigae VII]

Deer jerky if it is made right is actually very good. Almost as good as beef jerky. So I would imagine that moose and reindeer would taste similar.

[Eterne]

Goodness, that sounds like horrible stuff...
Note to self: Always ask before eating strange food. :S

[Alfonia]

A small explanation...

the pringles crisps from HELL, baby YEAH

This food item can also be found at the same store that sells tiny bottles of insect-fluid packaged as candy.

***PLEASE KNOW I HAVEN'T EATEN THIS (YET...) AS THESE TOTALLY GROSSED ME OUT***

I don't remember the correct product name, but it was something in a south-eastern asian language, probably thai.

The item in question is shrimp crisps, that are sold in regular "pringles tubes", and from a distance, one could mistake these for pringles, since the tube is of roughly the same dimensions and has the same plastic lid.
I can imagine how dishonest crisps-salesmen would place one of these tubes on a table 30 feet away or so, and then try to sell it to an unsuspecting customer. "yeah a tube of pringles, it's yours for 10 cents, all you have to do is go over there and get them" (the unsuspecting victim would then offer the salesman 10 cents and move to get what he thinks is a tube of pringles while the salesman makes his escape... then the victim would find out these were the pringles chips from hell and jump off a bridge)
OK... i'm missing the point here.. what are so special about them? Shrimp crisps are actually rather tasty...
well appearantly not tasty enough... so some dude decided to add some flavour. naturally. Well the thing is... the flavour isn't paprica, salt n' vinegar, BBQ or cheese... the flavouring is... *drumroll* pig hair! yes you heard me (ehmm heard? ok I know you're reading this... but anyways...) pig hair. I almost fell in love a wee bit when i saw them... i had to have them, and they would be mine for a rather small amount of money. As usual i bought a couple of thai sodas to go with these, as i still had plans to eat them.
Those plans disappeared as soon as i opened the lid and removed the unusually thick (no wonder...) protective aluminium foil that was covering the opening of the tube. I now realized what it must be like to find a mummy... you open the lid and the smell of death hits you (possibly this gust is filled with spores and bacteria that will kill you or turn you into a sponge monkey or worse). The smell was... horrible imagine dead shrimp... old rotten shrimp... that has been out in the sun all day... yuck! And what was worse was the appearance of these snacks... imagine an orange-coloured shrimp crisp with a great need to go see a barber. The pig hair seemed soft to the touch and seemed attached to the crisps, though with some effort most of it came loose.

I was about to eat these but i changed my mind. I'll save it for a later day. I just wanted to tell you all that there are hairy crisps as well. I hope you are not eating while reading this... if so I am sorry.

I shall try to make a more deep review of these soon... call this post "the presentation"

[TheSensitiveNewAge]

There is this new form of Coke, called "Coca-Cola Zero." It's different from Diet Coke in that it has more aspartame while Diet Coke has more of phosphoric acid. Coca-Cola Zero is something blacker than night, and other sodas. Also, it has evil looking black wrapper on the bottle that makes look like it's going to attack the bread or Tasty Kakes in your local supermarket. I hate my job. I tried it, it tasted like the souls of those who died while being in an exsietental quandary.

[Sheynat]

Nastiest thing I ever ate. My elementary school had this homemade pizza. Most students were of the opinion that the lunch ladies puked onto a cookie sheet and called that pizza-it did look like puke. I ate it once, because there was nothing else. Very ew.
TSNA: What is your job, and why does it require you to come in contact with evil beverages?

[Alfonia]

More aspartame!!!!!!!??

Aspartame is like sure to be on my top-ten-awful-tastes-list! right up there with old moose jerky and maengdana... eeeeewww! I hate diet coke...

[TheSensitiveNewAge]

I work in a restaraunt supply store that acts a bit a like a grocery store. Because of it, I hate foodstamps. So much of the time I see people use foodstamps for soda or oreos. Stupid, wasteful idiots, buying stuff that som much of the time tastes like crap....

[Estayland]

in Louisiana we have cards instead of foodstamps. I think this prevents certain things from being bought. Also, people would sell foodstamps for cents on the dollar so they could buy other things (cigaretts, beer, etc)

[TheSensitiveNewAge]

Yeah, I've heard of that. It's that sort of thing that makes me go "If I ruled the world with a methyl-mecurial fist..."

Alf, have you ever heard of prok rinds before?

[Alfonia]

pork rinds? yes.... at least they're not usually hairy, right? I mean these were really hairy... like my own head. kinda... eww + pork rinds don't usually smell like rotten shrimp yeah? but when i think about it pork rinds are horrible as well... maybe not as exotic...

[TheSensitiveNewAge]

Actually, if done right, they're strangely good every few years. They shouldn't taste like shellfish or have hair.

[Alfonia]

hahahahahahahah!

nothing should have hair and taste like shellfish:P

[Alfonia]

but well...

these were actually rice crisps/chips... with shrimp added... you know like in the thai restaurants... but they somehow had pork flavour and hair applied to them after manufacturing... and the hair really was pig hair... it said so on the package...

[Grub]

Speaking of foodstamps, I once saw a lady buy her groceries with foodstamps and then she drove away in a new Escalade.

[Greek People Nation (GPN)]

admin said:

Speaking of food stamps, I once saw a lady buy her groceries with food stamps and then she drove away in a new Escalade.

I know this is off subject, but I have to reply about this...

That is why I believe that to be on/or get Welfare/Food Stamps, has to be stricter. They need to get on that. People are taking advantage of the system and it is not fair to those who pay taxes and work for a living to see their money go to waste like that.

OK now that I said that.

Jerky is great, I eat it all the time. High in protein. ;D

[Alfonia]

dude? you eat the stuff? I know it's high in protein and stuff but... uhm yeah. I guess I got some bad jerky then...

So how could I get my hands on some good jerky? is there like an easy method to produce it or so?

[Greek People Nation (GPN)]

buy a good beef jerky maker, or go out and buy it.

Though, it is exspensive to buy. For that little bit, that you get in the bag. To me all jerky taste the same. MMMMMM Goood

[Sheynat]

admin said:

Speaking of foodstamps, I once saw a lady buy her groceries with foodstamps and then she drove away in a new Escalade.

I'm generally in support of foodstamps, but stuff like that ticks me off too. Maybe if she hadn't bought the friggin' Escalade, she wouldn't need food stamps, the moron... And I thought jerky was just "kill an animal, salt the meat."

[TheSensitiveNewAge]

Jerky is composed of the meat, seasoned (salt mostly) and the dried. I beleiv an oven can dry thin beef strips to produce jerky. In the States, tasty jerky is found in grocery stores, convenience stores, and sometimes places specializing in backpacking/camping. Jerky is not to be confused "Slim Jims' which can give a person the runs.

[Alfonia]

Oh ok... jerky isn't that easy to find here... but i guess it's similar to bierwurst and other dried meat products/sausages...

[Parthini]

alfonia said:

hahahahahahahah!

nothing should have hair and taste like shellfish:P

Well I have hair. And sometimes I taste like shellfish after work (I work at a seafood restaurant)

GPP

[Parthini]

Ok, Diet Sprite is having a competition thing that if you find it, you can go to space.

OK, well...

That's awesome! My dream is to go to space. However, I really don't want to have to drink Diet Sprite. Can anyone tell me they had it and enjoyed it? Please, because if you do, then I will buy as many as I can to win, and you can drink them.

GPP

[Sheynat]

admin said:

Speaking of foodstamps, I once saw a lady buy her groceries with foodstamps and then she drove away in a new Escalade.

Actually, I mentioned that to my dad, who used to be on welfare, foodstamps and all that, and he told me that had to be a case of massive welfare fraud. You're not allowed to own a late-model car on welfare, because it's saleable. You have to be absolutely out of capital before they'll give you that kind of aid. Next check-up, she lost her foodstamps, unless she was running some kind of con. As for the Diet Sprite competition, just wait a few years. Commerical space travel's gonna be here soon.