Respond to Allegations

[0scar Wilde/ATT]

Respond to allegations which have not been made against you. Thank a diety for understanding, and then pledges to continue with current career(make one up).

Example:


Many people have recently begun asking questions about me. Some people have even begun to make claims which threaten to destroy my reputation. Well, I will say this, I have never sold orhpans into slavery. They volunteered. I tried to talk them out of it. They wouldn't listen. I just want to thank Zoroaster for understanding, and I pledge to continue in my position as supervisor of goat milkers.

[Enigmatic]

I want to put this matter to rest once and for all. I do not push grandmothers down stairs. There was one incident where a sweet old grandmother slipped. I tried to catch her but I was regrettably unable to do so. Don't worry the woman was fine and I saw to it that she had the best of care. I want to thank Hanuman for understanding and seeing me through this. And I will continue in my role as minister of shiny things.

(Can we use fictional deities too?)

[0scar Wilde/ATT]

Recently I have heard a lot of talk about me. Talk about my fish slurry business. I want to put all these rumors behind me now. When people die, they are not ground into food which is then fed to elderly people. Yes, my fish slurry plant does also house a mortuary, but I absolutely deny grinding up corpses to feed to old people. I don't know if I could have made it through this crisis without Zalmoxis. He's really been there for me. I will continue in my role as Steve Gutenberg look alike.

(sure, why not)

[Flying Fruitpies]

Alright... recently people have been making accusations against me which are SO totally false. I am NOT a cannibal who eats the sex organs of deceased people, and chops up the rest of their body to feed to my pet chihuahua, and anyone who says so is a complete and total shampoo brain.

For the record, I also do not eat hair gel.

[Boltor]

For some time now, people have begun to think I am a WOW player. These allegations are as true as there are pink elephants at the San Francisco zoo. Just becuase God and Pelor and Vishnu understand why I use 1337 speak and I'm not a WOW player, why can't you people understand? You don't need to be a WOW player to use this awesome language. I've got a steady income, no girlfriend and a huge DVD collection and I thank God, Pelor and Vishnu for my amazing gifts. I will continue using 1337 speak and continue my job, administrating WOW.

[Pissy]

I would like to set the record straight. I do not go around blowing up peoples mailboxes. Because some of you have not gotten your mail, and a few saw 5 or 6 M-80's fall out of my pocket, it wasn't me. Oh, by the way none of you had any money in any of your christmas cards. I will continue to deliver the mail late as always, A united postal worker.

[Strange Hermits]

Alright, it has come to my attention that people have been saying that I am a racist person who doesn't know anything. Well, I beg to differ and destroy those accusations. I have never said anything racist especially about stupid Muslims(Oh no I just did!) I mean, nice Muslims, and I ask Zeus, Dionysios, Athena and Apollo to strike down all my enemies!

[0scar Wilde/ATT]

A lot of people have begun to compose some very graphic limericks about me. It is my belief that at least half of the accusation are completely false. The others? Hmm. Body double? I thank Neptune for his complete faith in me, and I will continue to send hecatombs his way. Right back at you big guy. I will not resign from my position as Grub's poison tester. May rabid badgers devour my enemies.

[Boltor]

I have heard that there has been some underhanded discussion on the way my dog's face is disfigured. Just because i'm a Plastic surgeon for pets, doesn't mean I have to "fix" my own pet. I like the way he looks, and I bet he likes the way he looks to. I thank God for your understanding in the matter, and hope to see your pet at my clinic.

[Sheynat]

Accusations have been made that there is a room in my home with impossible angles and shelves of forbidden books, where I perform arcane rituals to Things That Should Not Be. I would like to state that these accusations are true, and I will kill you all. IA! IA! CTHULU FTAGHN!

[The States of Eridani]

It has come to my attention that their have been made multiple inquires as to the nature of work. Truth be told I am a Roman Legionnare. Yes, yes, they still exist. I am currently stationed in Gaul, trying to avenge the slaughter of Sabinus and Cotta and the hands of Ambiorix. On this note I would like to say that I did not have sexual relations with that woman and that I will not falter in my role as police line up decoy. Praise be to Gozer the Gozerian, may the traveller raze your homeland to the pits of Hell.

[Sinn Féin's Ireland]

Alright, i feel enough is enough. I've seen the looks on peoples' faces as i walk by in the street. I know what you're all thinking, and I have to say, the rumours that I sexually abuse farmyard animals are entirely false. Those farmyard animals are promiscuous young things, but i have some standards. Besides, when you go near an animal with a butchers knife with the intent of slitting its throat and cooking it over a spitfire then everyone wants a piece of the action. When you just want a bit of spooning, suddenly that's going too far! I thank Jesus for his guidance in this matter, and hope that i can continue in my capacity as the Lord Mayor of Cork unfettered.

[Echolilia]

I have *not* hired monkeys to do my spamming for me and been arrested for cruelty to animals, thank G-d. So far no one's found their cage, so all is well!

[Woonsocket]

I must state that any thoughts that the rest of you have had that I have escaped from an asylum are base rumors and must be ignored.




I miss the meds though...

[Free Guns For All]

I swear, that orphanage burned itself down.









...wait, this was the conference about the attempted littering?
Oh...shit...

[Woonsocket]

I did not have sex with that woman.






...but I wanted to.

[Free Guns For All]

I swear, I'm not trying to start an internet meme.

[Woonsocket]

I swear, I want to start an internet meme.

[Free Guns For All]

Good, you can help me with this one: memegenerator.net/I-Am-Garland

[Boltor]

Dec 11, 2007 1:16:43 GMT -5 Boltor said:

For some time now, people have begun to think I am a WOW player. These allegations are as true as there are pink elephants at the San Francisco zoo. Just becuase God and Pelor and Vishnu understand why I use 1337 speak and I'm not a WOW player, why can't you people understand? You don't need to be a WOW player to use this awesome language. I've got a steady income, no girlfriend and a huge DVD collection and I thank God, Pelor and Vishnu for my amazing gifts. I will continue using 1337 speak and continue my job, administrating WOW.

Dec 12, 2007 1:51:17 GMT -5 Boltor said:

I have heard that there has been some underhanded discussion on the way my dog's face is disfigured. Just because i'm a Plastic surgeon for pets, doesn't mean I have to "fix" my own pet. I like the way he looks, and I bet he likes the way he looks to. I thank God for your understanding in the matter, and hope to see your pet at my clinic.

I wrote these?

[Echolilia]

Unless it's a lie.

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